He Calls Me "Hon"

Life is whirling around me.
Friends who commiserated with me on datelessness, lovelessness and childlessness only a year ago are now married with fresh pink babies.
I am immensely happy for such friends.  It is WILD how quickly love can sweep you up, and in my friend's case, give you all you ever dreamed of.

Meanwhile, I am dating and also still spending time with McTwitchy.   We do greatly enjoy each other's company.  We are not dating but we are dear friends.

Last week, he drove me to the airport as I left town to spend time with my family.  Last night, I returned the favor.  I arrived at his house while he rushed to complete important business emails.  I was suddenly struck with a headache and fatigue.  Mysteriously.  
We had plenty of time, before his flight, so as he typed rather frantically I found space on his sofa and covered my eyes.

From the other room, he eyed me and said, "Do you feel okay, Hon?"

Hon?  Honey?  Where did that come from?  Ah yes, he did call me hon a few times while we dated.  Mainly when he complimented me on dinner.
But we've been NOT dating for about seven months now and he calls me hon?

I am not one to reject a term of endearment.  If he wants to call me 'hon' that's fine.

What IS funny is, when he called me at work last week, to verify our airport plans... he rang my direct line and didn't introduce himself.  I fully expected it to be one of any possible number of co-workers from a distant office and was understandably confused when the person on the other end of the line didn't identify himself!  When I finally realized it was McTwitchy, and acted a bit shocked.  He didn't seem to understand why I didn't know it was him (I'm there to work, most callers ID themselves) and then joked, "It's that OTHER guy you've been dating."

I didn't bother to tell him that I AM dating other guys.  (the intention has already been established - months ago)
So with the "hon" impact, I'm wondering if he thinks we're just in a holding pattern.
Or, it's just a term of endearment between dear friends.

Sometimes, even in dating relationships, pet names don't mean anything anyway.

Priorities

Well, I guess blogging hasn't been a priority for me lately.   I'm sorry I haven't been around.
I have tons of topics swimming in my head, but just can't get the motivation to sit at a computer and write it all down.

It's partly because I'm at a computer all day long at work now.  And partly because I'm trying to get out socialize and exercise more, so my priorities have to change.

Bottom line, I need to socialize and exercise if I'm ever going to find someone with whom to share my life.  As I've always said; he's not going to just fall through my living room ceiling, and if he does, I think I'd be a little bit creeped out!
The exercising part... well I'm getting older and I don't like what age is doing to my body.  I'm thinking of getting signed up with a personal trainer... since I'm just not getting the results I want on my own.

As well, my birthday is approaching and I have decided not to get older!  I'm holding.  That's it.
If you've been joining me on my blog for a while now, you may know that I tend go through a pretty tough patch before each birthday.  It's not too bad this year - although, I'm recognizing that I have one group of friends that are perpetually single, like me... and the other group is getting married and having babies.   I realized that at my age, it's now acceptable for people to assume that perhaps I'm deeply flawed and there's some "good" reason why I'm single.

So I thought about it... how did I get through my 30s without getting married?  Well, I spent the last three years of my 30s with the wrong guy.
But prior to that, I dated.
I have never dated a lot, I think.
In high school I dated one boy.  In college, I dated just a few guys - only one seriously.   Then in my 20s I probably dated about one guy a year... but not for an entire year.  Meaning, I went on dates with a few men each year, but dated maybe one for a handful of months.

Not as much dating as some people... but certainly more than most!

I have not done the math but let's think about this... meeting and dating 3-5 men a year for the past 20 years... it's safe to say that I've dated at least 50 men.  I've probably passionately kissed 20 or more men in my lifetime!   That ought to be enough!   People who marry in their 20s have probably seriously dated 5 men tops.  (Thank God I had the good sense not to sleep with all those men!)

I feel at the same time that I've dated plenty... and that I've not dated enough!
I have also thought that I was fortunate that I've never really dated any jerks.  Which is oddly frustrating. While is lovely that God has spared me from truly awful men...  you'd think that out of a line of really good men that someone would have worked out!

What is a girl to do?

Was He Prince Charming or True Love?

(or can you have both?)

Prior to the event of the Royal Wedding, I couldn't help having cynical thoughts of just what this union was about.

I kept thinking of the marriage between Lady Diana Spencer and Prince Charles... and how even before her death... the whole thing ended terribly.   In retrospect it began terribly when the Monarchy wouldn't allow Charles to marry the woman he really loved, Camilla, because she didn't suit the Royal standard.   So poor 19 year old Diana was swept up in it, after meeting Charles only 13 times!

How did that happen? Do you agree to marry a prince just because you're asked?  Because it's good for your family for you to do so?

So in watching Prince William and Kate, it is rather believable to see that she could meet the prince who attends her college classes, get to know him and date him.
What I find difficult to believe is how do you really fall in love with such a ... spectacle? ... icon? ...  yeah... an icon of your society?
How do you say, "Yes, I will marry you, become a target of public scrutiny, become a leader of the people of England. I agree to become a spectacle for the public to either love or hate.  For tabloids to discuss my weight or the condition of my skin, or my raising of our future children ad nauseum." ???

I mean, I know women who wouldn't want to marry a police officer or a rodeo cowboy or a doctor because of the undesirable work hours, travel or the danger involved.   But to marry into a family thusly opening yourself up to scrutiny for the rest of your life and beyond?!?!?  Who would do that?  Could she really LOVE him?  And if she did, would that life be worth it?

What stood out to me during the ceremonies was Kate's incredible poise and sophistication.  It is as if she is meant for the monarchy. In contrast to Diana's nervousness and tittering on her wedding day. (as well as her bumbling throughout the engagement and first years of marriage.)  But then Kate's poise sent me to thoughts of... "This must be a contractual obligation... she's had designs on royalty for years... this is a power move for her!"

Am I this jaded?  I think I am.
Sometimes I am at the point that I think it can never really happen.  That there is no way that I will actually find the one guy (or ten) that respects my faith life, respects my family, respects his mother, would like to have children but will be okay with it if it turns out I can't do, thinks I'm pretty, thinks I'm funny, respects me wants to take day trips and weekend trips with me, and spend his life with me.... who I also respect, find attractive, can be loyal to, want to spend time with... etc etc.   Then, like a shift in the wind, I think there has to be!  Just has to be.  There is no way God intends for me to be alone forever. 

It's truly hard to imagine, loving someone so very much that neither of you are afraid of what could happen over the next 50 years.

I have a hard time imagining that someone as beautiful and elegant as Kate Middleton could actually have fallen in love with this Prince and he with her!
It simply can't happen!  I can't even fall in love with a decent guy with a good job or a good heart and have him love me back.  How impossible is it that this woman can really be love with a royal?  Come on.  It's the stuff of fairy tales!!

Then suddenly it was clear.

As the cameras followed the carriage ride of the Prince and Princess back to Windsor Castle   Buckingham Palace... anyone capable of simple lip-reading could make it out as Kate turned to Prince William and said, "I am so happy."

And I believe she is.  I believe he is too.
Do I believe I can ever find someone to love so much that I'd be willing to change my life in such a remarkable, uncomfortable way? And know that he indeed loves me?  I'm not so sure.  It wasn't supposed to be this hard to begin with!  
But anything is possible.  Fairy tale or not.

Photo pulled from bizchickblogs.com

Due Diligence

Have you noticed that "In a Relationship" status' (statuses, stati?) are popping up all over f@cebook?
I am happy for them, but I do wonder how it happens.  I was only on f@cebook the last year that Mr. Burns and I were together, and I was only comfortable enough to switch my status to "It's Complicated" which was rather apt!

A friend of mine in another state just changed his status.  He also shared his joy with me that he is in love with someone new. When I asked him what made her special to him, he said it was her casual, laid-back personality. The clincher: "In four months (of dating) she never asked once about our 'relationship'... Not once.  She simply relaxed and had fun."

It occurred to me that that's not so unusual.  To me, the first four months is about getting to know one another, to see if you're compatible and whether you ought to be in a relationship.
I know I don't squeak and fuss about "where our relationship is going" early on... I've learned that in all my years of dating.  Nothing is a bigger turnoff to a man than a woman bugging him to jump into something for which he's not ready.

I can't imagine many women would be nagging in the first four months... but then, I don't date women.  I told my friend that knowing him, he was open and communicative so as a result she didn't have to ask questions because she knew (at the very least) that they were on equal footing.

The four month mark is a reasonable time to know whether you are coming or going in a relationship... so the fact that he knew enough to 'define the relationship' at that point speaks to his decency and maturity.
Those men who don't do such due diligence, are the ones who get all irritated and annoyed when women then start asking questions.

I think that's the red flag.  If after four months, a man hems and haws and avoids "defining the relationship" - he's either not into her, he's using her for sex, or he simply lacks the maturity (or readiness) to have a relationship.

Quite frankly, that's what happened with McTwitchy.  Depending on where you started counting (from our first stint at dating or from our second go 'round) we'd been dating for either four or six months when I started asking questions. Not about marriage, just about the seriousness of his intent.  Based on past experience, I wasn't going to waste months on someone who wasn't into it - because I didn't want to miss meeting the man who would love me without reservation.  
(I still think McTwitchy had special considerations, and it's still quite frustrating to know how much he liked me, and I liked him, but it just couldn't move forward. So sad.)

It is in a man's best interest to make sure the woman he is dating both feels special, and knows that she is special to him.    A smart, kind and thoughtful man will make sure a woman knows where she stands.  Four months into a relationship is fair game for both parties to want some clarity.

To men, my advice is this; if at four months (six months maximum) you don't feel like this woman is really special and that you really want to get to know her better, let her go.  Make sure that you broach the topic before she has to.

Actually, men would do well to know that... if you really want to be successful in relationships, do what needs to be done before she has to ask.  Define the Relationship, tell her you love her, do the break-up if you have to.   If you wonder why women are always asking questions and never seem satisfied with what you do... it's probably because you are not doing these things.  (Now, if you have no interest in making a woman feel special - that's fine. Either don't date, or don't be surprised that you're with a frustrated woman.)

It's so funny, I hear talk of men complaining of their girlfriends whining about wanting to get married.... and my thought is, "You should have asked before she had to bring it up!"
That's a pretty clear sign that you're not on the same page.  A woman will wait a good three to six months after she thinks she's sure he's the right one, before she mentions it to him.  So if she has to bring it up, he's slacking off.

For example, I waited for three months after I was ready to tell Mr. Burns that I loved him --- to hear it from him first. Three months!   I finally went off when we were spending the day with my friend and her husband and Mr Burns said, "I love this guy!"  It took him another YEAR for him to tell me that maybe he felt like he did love me!  Ugh.  How on earth did I waste that much time with him?!

Worth the Trip?

When I moved to this city, I left some close friends behind back home.  Initially, I thought I would only be here for six months.  It'll be nine years this summer.   When I knew I was staying, I mentioned to some of those friends how nice it would be if they came to visit. 

One of my guy friends has been out here three times now.  He is a traveler, so it's natural for him. 
Another girl friend came out for a weekend visit once... and another caught up with me when her parents brought her out here for a Rockies game.

But my best friend has never come.   I was her maid of honor.  I am Godmother to her oldest child. 
About eight years ago, she told me she would come out for my wedding.

Well guess what? There hasn't been a wedding.  There is no wedding on the horizon.

I moved here in my early 30s, so everyone thought Mr.Right was just about to show up.  It was reasonable that a friend would assume that a wedding would be just a year or two away.  

Then in 2007,  I started dating Mr. Burns and a lot of people thought a wedding was eminent.
As you know, that was a no-go.

Eight years later, isn't it time to get in the car and say hi?

Yeah, I admit I'm hurt by it... and if you don't understand why, let me put it this way...   I'm not important enough to visit just me.  I'm not worth visiting unless I can prove that someone else, someone whom she has never met, loves me and wants to spend his life with me. 

Is that how you want your friends to feel?
So if I never have a wedding - she'll never visit?

Part of this world tells me that I shouldn't feel pressured to be married.  But then some of the people closest to me can only justify a car trip if there's a big event to go along with seeing me.

(Let's face it, we've all been to friend's weddings... you don't even get to visit with the bride or groom... they're way too busy!)

Is anyone else out there sending a message like this to someone they love?   Did you even realize the message you're sending?


FYI: It's an eight hour car trip or a 2 hour flight. I drive a couple hours out of my way to visit her when I'm out that way to visit my parents.

Forever or Never

I have a favorite afternoon radio show.  The guys are hilarious, silly and actually pretty smart.  They pose very intriguing questions and conundrums... and then they have great discussions with their call-in listeners.  It's a great venue to hear lots of different opinions.

More than once, they have tackled the question of the ultimatum.  Would it work, does it ever work... for a woman to throw down the gaunlet on her man, "Propose to me by ____  or I'm gone."?  Typically, they advise women to have the ultimatum in mind, but never speak of it.  Stick to your decision though, if he doesn't meet your needs, move on.   I agree.  Proposing an ultimatum puts the man in an uncomfortable position.  Would you really want to marry someone who came to the decision reluctantly?

One recent afternoon they addressed the situation from another angle.  Their question, "If you are with the man you want to spend the rest of your life with... what is the breaking point that makes you walk? If you love him and want to marry him, why end the relationship just because he doesn't want to get married? Do you suddenly not love him?"

Interesting.  Coming from two men, they theorized that a woman who does so never really loved the man.

For one thing, if it's a man who never intends to marry - he should state that upfront. That's only fair.

Callers offered several different thoughts.  While I didn't call in, I did roll the concept around in my head and concluded:  If he loves her... and we're talking about a scenario in which he would happily stay with her indefinitely... then the fact that he won't do this one thing to fulfill that desire for her speaks volumes.  Doesn't it?

I think it's clear that if one person wants to get married and the other doesn't... then their goals aren't the same to begin with.

I'll take it a step further and suggest that if life goals don't match up from the start, a couple may have no business getting involved.
A couple should establish 1) a common faith, or an acceptance of their differences 2) common activities 3) support of one another's life goals.... loooonnnngg before they sleep together, live together or otherwise commit to one another.   But in today's culture... most couples work the opposite direction, placing physical attraction and chemistry ahead of what they ever have in common.  
That's how someone finds oneself in a position of being in love with someone who never wants to marry them.  
How can one say forever, if the other is stuck on never?

Worth Waiting For!

I love my bloggy friends!

Miss Andi shared this spoken word poetry slam... very inspiring.
I Will Wait For You


Lots of beautiful lines... one in particular, "I will no longer get weighed down from so-called friends and family talks about the concern for my biological clock when I serve The Author of Time!"


The standards we all should wait for... and single men should work to live up to.
It's a lot to live up to... but the effort would go a long way.

Beautiful, thanks for sharing Andi!!

Scoreboard!

Do you remember the little snarky chants your schoolmates came up with at school sporting events?
I recall our High School boy's basket ball team playing the well-known boy's only school in another city.  When their side chanted the familiar: "We've got spirit, Yes we do! We've got spirit, How 'bout you?"  The retort from the seniors on our side came: "We've got GIRLS, Yes we do! We've got GIRLS, How 'bout you?"

I'm told it wasn't the first time they heard that!

My favorite came during the Girl's State Basketball Tournament one year, when one of our girls put up a poorly executed shot and the fans on the other side bellowed: "Airball, airball." 
The quick retort from our side: "Scoreboard. Scoreboard!" seeing that we had a healthy lead with just a few minutes left... it didn't really matter that we put up an airball.  It's about perspective.

I'm not a sports fan - but this is what came to mind as I wanted to share tonight's dating report. 
I want to point to the scoreboard...
The guy who ticked me off on the phone the other night - 0.
The guy I met for coffee late this afternoon - 237 points!

He's not close to my type - if I have one... but he met most of my initial requirements and he's nice looking and he was so engaging on the phone that I had to meet him. 
I had the best time... with the benefit of a beautiful afternoon, basking in warm sun and a light breeze.  We had a great conversation... he's kind and thoughtful and sweet.  He held my hand, he thinks I'm funny.
All in all... just a great experience.

No idea what happens next but it's nice just to have a good, positive date!
Quite certain I'll see him again.  He's not at all who I would picture myself with - but I'm impressed nonetheless.

Just thought I'd share that happy!

Dodging Bullets

These days, I am putting some effort into online dating.   I'm opening myself up to phone conversations with more prospects right now.
One guy called me while I was at work the other day... I was a bit put off by it.  But rather than be hasty, I told him I'd call him back when I wasn't working.  I was at home tonight trying to edit a photo session I did this weekend... and thinking I should call him... but that I needed to make progress in Photoshop. 
Suddenly the phone rang - it was a different online suitor.

He started talking.  and talking.  He would make a statement and I would try to respond to him... but he would continue with what he was saying.  Essentially talking over me.   I was annoyed, but thought, "Maybe he's nervous.  I'll give him some time to see if he corrects this behavior."
At one point, I even said something about seeing if I had hit the MUTE button on my phone - because he obviously wasn't hearing me.   Still, nothing changed.

This guy has no idea how to have a conversation!

I would try to interject occasionally, to turn it into a conversation...otherwise it's just a monologue!  But every effort I made was futile.
Finally, I would try to interject - he would keep talking - then I would sigh.  Occasionally, he made room for me, and then started talking before I could finish my thought or point!!  I tried a new tactic - interjecting with "What I was going to say... "  More steamrolling!

This wasn't a 12 year old!  This was a 40+ year old man!

I gave it a full 30 minutes and then when he mentioned that I sounded frustrated... I started to explain that I was feeling like he wasn't interested in anything I had to say.  That he kept talking over me.
Then he interrupted to say something about me interrupting him!

At that point, all bets were off.  I was going to have my say whether he was talking or not - and I told him that it's customary in a CONVERSATION to have some give and take.  A little exchange of ideas.
He didn't hear a word because he was more interested in making his point - which was to say that I was too feisty  - and that he didn't see any point in continuing communication with me.  Communication?!  Ha!

It got a bit ugly... and I expressed alarm that I couldn't be the first woman to make this observation.  According to him I was!  Oh well. Clearly no sense of self awareness. (could that play in to why he is divorced?)

The phone call ended and I was all spun up.  I mean spun UP!
My phone rang again - and it was the guy from the other day.  I was still so agitated that I blurted out what the first guy had done.  Then I felt bad because there I was - dominating the first thirty seconds of conversation. 
But this man listened intently, and expressed appropriate alarm in the situation.

Once I dumped it all out, I was able to settle down - and we had a very nice conversation.  An exchange of thoughts and ideas... just as someone would expect.

It was so nice... and he was very engaging!  I even joked that he was lucky the first guy was such a jerk - it made him look even better!

So I'm planning coffee with guy #2.   Faith in humanity restored for now!

Good Questions

Let's talk about dating tactics.

In the comments of an earlier post, Anonymous Pablo posed a couple of questions about my dating strategies.  I started to answer him in the comments but realized I had enough commentary on the subject that it might as well be a post of its' own.
This is not only an answer to Pablo - but also possibly to any long-married types who make the same suggestions, and wonder why these 'apparent tactics' aren't considered by the unintentional singles they know.

So... let's get to it.

Pablo asks...

"...if you want a man that can go to mass with you , why don´t you start looking inside your church or other churches, I mean men that are already there."

You make a valid point, one that has been made to me for many years now... to look inside my church for an eligible man.  The fact that I am at Mass every Sunday at one church or another... suggests that I have obviously looked there.
The sad fact is... single men don't go to church.  The only time we see single men (at least at the Catholic churches I go to) are once they are engaged. Then, all of a sudden they are interested in following the faith in order to qualify for a Catholic Wedding Mass.   But you see, once they're engaged... I sort of consider them off the market!

I am a Eucharistic Minister at my church... which means that I am one of the lay people who distributes Holy Communion at Mass.  In doing so... I see everyone in the congregation, up close and person as I share with them the Body and Blood of Christ.  Most often the only single men I see are under age 25! (or over 50!)

I am also a Lector, (one who reads scripture at Mass) so I am up in front of the congregation on a regular basis.  As a result of that... I am up there for all to see as an available single woman. (not to say that I serve in that capacity for that reason... but ... you know... there it is.) The point being, I am very active and very visible in my parish, so you can trust me when I say there are no single men there.

I do have a friend in that church, who is a single dad.  I have socialized with him and others in the church... and I do like him enough to be interested - but it's pretty clear he is not interested in me, if in 6 years he hasn't approached me in that way.  For the record... he doesn't seem to be interested in dating at all - his focus is on his child. I believe we have a mutual respect and admiration for each other - but that is where it will end.

I also occasionally visit other churches - and I do not encounter single men there either.  The Catholic Church doesn't really have any type of singles ministry... so there is no way for us to get together if there WERE single Catholic men. We only have the option of church-wide socials, which really aren't a draw for single men or singles in general.

In fact, if you were to give single Catholic men the same advice - to look for a good woman at church -  they typically balk at the idea.  I have been single for many years... and whenever that suggestion is made, they respond almost as if it's a blasphemous thought! (McTwitchy and Mr. Burns included) They think it's disrespectful to the Mass to intend to meet chicks there.


It is also well considered, (much has been written on the subject - unfortunately, nothing I am able to document here) that many men stray from the church once they graduate from High School and leave home, not to return until they are ready to get married.  The common thought on this is that men seem to feel that reliance on a higher power shows weakness.  Somewhere along the way, men are influenced to value their own accomplishments over seeking assistance from an Almighty and all-knowing and all-powerful God. It usually takes the influence of a woman they love to get them back in church.  The prospect of raising a family seems to be an incentive. (as evidenced by my single dad friend, mentioned above. Raising his child is incentive for a God-filled life)

Pablo also asks...

...why don´t you tell the guy all these things you write here,try to be clear from the beginning, before you meet him. The worse thing or one of the worse things is that the signals are not clear for the other person, so say want you look for and what you want in a clear way, so you can be sure he got the message from the begining.(sic) Thats (sic) my opinion."

Also a good point.  If you saw my online dating profile, you would know that I make it as crystal clear as possible. 
In fact... how about an excerpt? This is one paragraph of my 'About Me' section:

"My faith is important to me and I need someone who appreciates that, as it's not going to change. I am a lifelong Catholic and would really like to find a good Catholic man - I could be open to a man of another denomination, if he's already active in his church and serious about his faith.
If you have checked "Spiritual not Religious" or "Other Religion" I am NOT for you. Trust me on this. I need a man who, like me, is going to put God first. It's not easy and I don't always succeed... but that's my goal."

Is that clear enough?

What I have noticed about online dating is 1) most men don't bother to read the profiles. They just look for pretty faces and then message women based on attraction.  I think they see the writing as 'noise'.  As a result, I get a lot of inquiries from men who identify as "Not Religious" or "No Religion".  (despite my profile plea not to! ) On occasion, I have responded to such inquiries with a simple, "Did you read my profile?" Then I get a message back about how I am closed-minded, conservative or prudish. Yay.

2) When the only nibbles you get are from the wrong types, it's tempting to consider that maybe you are being too closed-minded. Maybe their idea of "Not Religious" means they haven't gone to church in 15 years but they're waiting for the woman who inspires them to return.  Should I take that chance?  Would it be better than no date at all?
Sometimes you have to take some risk.

Then there was the guy who identified himself as Catholic - and within 10 minutes of his first text to me... asked what I was wearing!  When I responded that I had made it pretty clear that I was looking for a church-going Catholic man... and that I felt it was too soon in the getting-to-know-you stage to inquire about my undergarments, he responded by texting me a line or two from the "Our Father" which was clearly meant as sarcastic. (which I didn't appreciate at all.) A few more texts and it was clear he was just  looking for bed buddy.

Dating is tedious at best. Online dating is just a minefield.
I'd really like to know how men experience online dating... because if their experience is as bad as mine... I just don't even see the point.

(I have heard from some men that their nemesis online are women who are looking for what might as well be called 'financial sponsors'.  They make up stories about needed car repairs, house payments... and just milk men for cash.  You would think if that's what men encounter... they'd be thrilled to find women like me!)

The Line Forms Here...

At my church's Lenten fish fry, I carried my tray through the serving line then scanned the rows of tables for some familiar faces.   I found them at fully packed tables, so I looked around some more.
Finally, I spotted an opening and some friendly new faces so I screwed up my courage and as I claimed a seat I announced, "Sheesh, there are never any singles tables at these things!"  That remark drew laughter and served as a mark for conversation.   That evening I met a couple, younger than me with an adorable brand new baby... and a trio of sweet older ladies who are now fixed on introducing me to at least one suitable nephew!

There is something to be said for making your needs known! It took a solid 45 minutes for Ms. Martha, across the table from me to think of her nephew.  I gave her my phone number and email address... but I doubt I'll hear from her until the next fish fry!

Later that week, at work one of the women at the office asked me what sort of man I'm looking for - her queries were about height and I declared indifference.  I have no height or hair requirements as long as the man is whole!!   We joked about the pain of dating... and a few days later she announced that she thought of someone to introduce me to.  She started naming qualities to determine if anything was a deal breaker.

Finally I said,  "I'll meet anybody, as long as you think we'll have something in common.  This isn't a commitment to marry me. Just to meet me."

The ladies seemed to appreciate that ... and then my sarcastic nature took the best of me... "Just line 'em up!"

In related news... I have another set up in the works.  I'm told he's a good, interesting guy.  His main fault seems to be bad hair.  Hopefully that's correctable.
And my dance card on my online dating site is starting to fill up.  There is at least one very appealing prospect... so I'll have updates to share if you care to hear about my dating adventures. 
Hoping to kiss my last frog.

Cut to the Chase

Last weekend I had a third date with a guy I met online.
He's the sort of guy that you know is a good man - he volunteers, works with kids, wants to start an orphanage. Still, I didn't feel sparks of attraction. We got to date number three so that I could be sure I wasn't missing something.

For our second date, we met at a restaurant for dinner. I liked him a little better than after our first date. He's funny. Nice eyes, nice smile. But still no sparks.
So I was very surprised when he texted me shortly after we parted saying, "I wanted to kiss you."
Really? I hadn't gotten that sense at all.

When I didn't hear from him for more than a week after that... figured he'd given up.
Eventually, we planned date #3.
We went for a long walk with his well-behaved but hyper little dog. Then stopped at a restaurant beyond the park to have a little lunch. On the way back across the park, he told me about his ideas about faith. While it was interesting... it was, for me, a turn off.

You know when you look at online dating profiles and they say something like their 'own religion'? He's one of those. He even wrote a book about his theory!!
(I'm not going to describe or mention it here because I certainly don't want to drive his web traffic to my blog!!!)
Like I said... it was interesting but not compelling to me. I knew instantly that this is not someone I can partner through life with.
Que Sera sera.

But. He's a nice man and I didn't not like him.
So we sat and talked for a bit. He really wanted to kiss me.

I started to explain that I'm in a place in my life that I need to date more than one man at a time, and therefore, it would be awkward to kiss any one of them - because it would be unfair, mis-leading, and eventually kissing leads to other things - which then would make me dishonest with any other man I would be dating.

I feel I need to date more than one man at a time, because I tend to get all caught up and excited right away, to the exclusion of other options... then when it turns out that guy isn't right for me... there I am starting from scratch again.
From here on out, I'm going to date a few men at once... until there is a stand-out who declares he wants me all to himself!

Anyway... he didn't let me get too far beyond just that I don't plan to kiss anyone for a while...
He sort of blurts out, "What, do you think I want to sleep with you?"
he didn't let me answer, he continued... "Of course I do. I'm a guy."
Then he explained that he believes everyone knows within three minutes whether they want to sleep with someone.
Him, me, everyone.

I wanted to argue, but I wasn't given a chance.
I wanted to say that sure, we might sum someone up as 'desirable' or not but that for me, I don't want to sleep with someone until I know that could potentially marry that person.
I rarely even decide if they are attractive to me or not, until I can surmise what sort of life partner they might make.

Sure, in the secular world people can boil it all down to sex and attraction.
But when you're looking for someone who has your salvation in mind... there is much more to consider. To me, attraction starts with... will this guy go to Mass with me? Will he care for me and my family? Would he agree to me staying home if we have kids? In short, does he value what I value?

So today, I got to thinking... counselors, writers, parents, society... all mock women for the 'gene' that gets us planning our wedding with some guy before the second date - but what they don't realize is for some of us, dating IS about planning a marriage.

This guy wouldn't even have gotten to our second date if my only criteria were whether I wanted to have sex with him! But I wanted to know his real worth... what sort of man is he?

To me, that's not so silly.
I only wish it were more acceptable in society to look for a life mate and not just to mate!

I guess I'm supposed to be flattered that he wanted to nail me!

Which reminds me of this...



Also, what if I told a guy, "If my main criteria for dating you was based on whether I wanted to sleep with you, we wouldn't have made it this far."
Howdoya think that would go over?!

The Start of 40 Days

Today was Ash Wednesday - which is always a challenge for me.

In the Catholic church it is a day of fasting, which means one meal-sized meal and something small and nutritious on either side of that meal. Also, no meat (and I'm allergic to fish) so it's pretty tricky for me besides the fact that I am a real grazer! I was proud to say that I didn't snack all day at work.

I sort of view Lent as a second chance New Year's resolution. I didn't really make any firm resolutions for the new year so my plans for Lent are:

No spending money outside of my essential expenses - I'm pretty impulsive, when I see something cute at a reasonable price I buy it with little thought. This will be a good exercise. I'm very tight-fisted about big purchases... but it's the small ones that add up.

Pray the Rosary Daily - I'm very lazy about this and I've actually already blown it for the first day of lent.

Socialize at least once a week - I know that doesn't sound like a sacrifice but I've decided it's something essential for my well-being. My social life pretty much collapsed while I was unemployed and poor. I'm making it a goal to rotate some new girlfriends into my weekly socials...we will be trying to meet men. God wants this for me. He does not want me to be alone.

I ended up going to Ash Wednesday service late this evening. The last opportunity of the day.
This Mass is usually more relaxed than our regular mass... and altar servers, lectors and other helpers are not necessarily lined up in advance.

So when it was time for the distribution of the ashes, Father asked for some of the Eucharistic Ministers to come up and help. So I did. That was the first time I got to distribute ashes which was a neat experience.

Then at communion, he had to ask for EMs again - so I was a busy servant at Mass.

The point of sharing that little fact is... when you serve during the Mass, people notice. There was a small family sitting in front of me that I had never seen before. I just assumed that they frequented a different Mass time.
Turns out they were new to Denver and to my church and so, when I leaned ahead at the conclusion of Mass to tell their daughter I thought her dress was very cute... the mom took the opportunity to introduce her family, share that they were new, and ask if I didn't just love serving as a Eucharistic Minister. Then she complimented me on my singing voice.

Isn't that just nice?!
I'm so glad she introduced herself, because I get really frustrated in the church that all the married people with families tend to keep to themselves - to the exclusion of singles in my opinion.

I'm going to like this family!

Dating Glowing Boxes

Enter online dating.

At first it was a little creepy. Like the 1970s personal ads for a lover... but not as romantic as the unromantic Pina Colada song. Couples that did meet online made up cover stories.
Once you composed your online profile, you didn't tell a soul. Maybe you confided in your very best friends, informing them in hushed tones and with a sideways glance, looking up through your eyelashes for understanding and approval.

I knew the taboo had passed when my mom suggested it. My divorced cousin met her fiance (now husband) through a Catholic dating site and now that was the 'obvious' solution for me.

There's no turning back, this is where technology and unfortunately, society is headed.

When I started online dating, the text message was still in the conception stage - perhaps infancy - either way, I wasn't doing it yet. I had a system in place, in which potential dates (including real life guys) would get my land line number until they 'qualified' for my cell number - which seemed like a great deal of personal access to give to a virtual stranger.

Nowadays, almost everyone has unlimited text. Most of society relies on it a bit too much.

When I can finally get a guy to graduate from sending me smiley faces and virtual roses on a dating site to actual online conversation, he 'earns' my cell number. The first communication is typically... guess what... a text!

Wait... a text would be nice. The problem is, I now have a text thread of 70 messages between myself and a guy I have met twice (dinner) and spoken to ONCE on the phone.

It's no way to start a relationship!
There is no tone of voice, no hint of laughter. No revealing small bits of one's personality.
It's more like responding to the check engine light on the dashboard of your car.
I can't have a relationship with a glowing box!

It's not just him. It's most men these days. I think they appreciate the mask of the glowing box - the anonymity of not dealing with a tone of voice.
I think it has to do with the infamous Fear of Rejection... which as I've written before, I don't understand.

Another online guy texted me, just to say, "Hey you." I had to ask who it was, followed by a little chit chat, then nothing. A few days later I went back to the dating site and asked, "Is that the extent of your woo?" Now he threatens/promises to call me. We'll see.

Should I tell you about one more guy who texted me a greeting of "What's up?" I responded that it was my day off and I was happy to be cleaning my house. His response, "What are you wearing?"
SERIOUSLY?
Even then, I gave him the benefit of the doubt and answered along the lines that my ensemble involved a very domestic apron, (to show my traditional side) only to have him ask about my panties. Whoa!! I informed him that was not appropriate in the get-to-know-you-stage and successfully scared him off! Never heard from him again.

I really don't know how anyone is supposed to get to know anyone else this way.
Even the men I meet IRL text more than they call.
I get that it's easier to just say hi, or pin down plans, arrival times and such. But I think that's all it should be used for - at least in the very beginning of a relationship.

Maybe that's the problem. Men aren't in the mindset that they're possibly starting a relationship. Maybe they just want to 'hang out'. Well, that's fine if you're 15 years old - but I'm a woman. Please notice that I'm more sophisticated than a 15 year old. Treat me like a lady. Talk to me more than you text me.
Speak to me to ask me out and make plans for a date.

Texting makes it too easy for a guy to tap out "Can you meet me for dinner tonight?"
Um... I'd like to be asked out a few days in advance. Asking me a mere few hours before makes me feel not only like an afterthought.... but sort of like a.... call girl!

Put down the glowing box and talk to me... using your bluetooth!

Good Enough

You know how I mentioned that my new job is with an old employer?
I worked with them a few years ago, before I left to explore some other, exciting opportunities in my career field. I gained some great experience doing work I had dreamed of - work many people in my career field dream of. It was fun while it lasted.

Anyway. Back on track.
So I'm back at the company I worked for prior to the excitement.

A lot of the same people are still there and they are welcoming me back with great affection. New employees are trying to figure what all the buzz is about and making an effort to get to know me.

From the old: "So what have you been up to? Are you married now? No? Dating anyone?"
From the new: "So tell me about yourself... do you have children? Are you married?"

Gah! It's just uncomfortable how one's status boils down to whether someone else in the world has found one worthy of partnering up.
At least they haven't asked "Why" I'm not married!

Then the other night I was out with my cousin and her husband. We live in the same city but see each other rarely. She's actually my second cousin, quite a bit younger than I so we don't socialize much.
To make conversation, her husband asked if I was seeing anyone.
I simply explained: "I was seeing someone but it didn't work out. Back to the drawing board."
That's it. I didn't wax on about being lonely or how old I am or about my withered ovaries... just a basic answer - and the first thing out of her mouth was: "You just need to lower your standards."

Motioning to her husband with my head, I blurted out the first thing to land on my tongue, "You mean like you did?!"

She laughed and demurred, playing along like, 'yeah I'm stuck with this bozo.'
We're relatives so we share the sense of humor, and moved on to talking about furniture or some such.
But after dwelling on the exchange, I began to steam. We have barely talked in five years and here she makes assumptions on my standards. On my worth. On who I deserve.

I was actually quite pleased with my retort. Just enough humor and I made my point.
Although when I relayed it to my mom she scoffed, "That was mean!"
Well, wasn't what she said mean? Guess it's more acceptable to insult someone's lack of a spouse than someone's actual spouse!
Why does she get a pass and I don't?

She didn't ask me about my standards. She just implied that whatever I'm looking for - I don't deserve.
I've been fuming now about what else I might have said in response:

1. "What would be the point of marrying someone I don't respect or have something in common with?"
2. "Oh? Is that what you'll tell your daughter some day?"
3. "So should I just go stand outside a prison and hook up with whomever gets released that day?"
4. "I just want my standards to be as high as those of the man whose standards I meet."

Ultimately, I am not prone to accept suggestions from those who married by the time they were 25 - because they have never really experienced 'dating'. If a life partner just fell into your lap before you even had to start a search - I don't think you get to give advice!

Actually, I find it quite telling that she said what she did. It shows she is young and inexperienced in the world.
Maybe it even tells me what she thinks of me... maybe she thinks I'm not attractive enough to have standards. Maybe she thinks I'm too old to hold out for what's best for me.
That's funny, to think that I'm holding out.

So, any thoughts on how to respond to such a statement?
Any smug marrieds make similar comments to you?

Mid-Season Replacement

For many years my life has revolved around television. I have worked in many areas of broadcasting and so TV has been an occupational hazard of sorts.

Therefore, it seems appropriate that since I stopped updating this blog about the time the fall TV season ended in November... and now February sweeps are in full swing along with TV season continuations and some Mid-Season Replacements -I'm BACK!Thanks to so many of you for your sweet comments checking on my welfare. I haven't even been close enough to my computer to check in... but every once in a while I did, and was very encouraged to see your notes! (I've published them all in the comments of the last post.)

It is nice to be missed.
Speaking of which, my friend Erin Ann did some stat checking and has informed me that A LOT of people having been stopping by Single Solitary Things in my absence. I don't mention that to brag... rather, it has made me realize that there are many people who must come here for solidarity, camaraderie and perhaps solace in our single lives.

I am astounded by this!
I do recognize it as a opportunity to be a voice, an advocate for those of us who await God's plan.
Maybe we want to be married. Maybe we're happily single. Maybe God is working on the men who He intends to become our husbands. Maybe He has other plans. Whatever the case, we are definitely a forgotten segment of society and if I can lend a voice that puts thoughts into words for adult single women... well, I will do my best. Perhaps this is my ministry.
I'm going to work on posting at least weekly. I hope you will all check back with me!

Now, I suppose I owe some sort of explanation to my absence:
For starters, I was managing the portrait studio during the holiday season, which peaked during November and December. I worked six days a week and was exhausted by the end of each day. I had so much housekeeping, bill paying and sleeping to do on my days off that I didn't even approach my computer for fear of losing hours of my one day off per week to the web that these Internets weave!

Then... as only can happen in the world of TRS, I got a call from an employer that I applied to last summer - finally offering me an interview! (maybe that's a sign the economy is recovering!) They also wanted a presentation, so my few spare hours were spent researching and polishing the presentation for a job I didn't get!!

THEN... I got a call out of the blue from a past employer... asking me to come back! How about them apples?! I went to meet with them and the first words out of the CEO's mouth were, "We have really come to appreciate you around here."
Let me tell you, after years of unemployment and underemployment... nothing sounds so sweet! It's work I enjoy, am great at, and really want to do so I'm pretty happy and fully employed for the first time in years.

THEN... just as I was ready to delve back into my blogging world - my Internet went down and it took me most of February to figure out the issue! I had three IT guys working on it!!

Now, I'm sure what you really want to know is - what's going on with McTwitchy?!!?!
Well, we had a couple of really lovely months leading up to his decision on the job offer in the Very Big City. He decided not to take the job. Which means he's staying here!
In the end we determined that he still has a lot to work out before he can really pursue a relationship. We had a wonderful discussion, and agreed that neither of us wanted to break up and never see one another again so we have decided to remain friends. I have a few of those, guys I've dated briefly, and retained as friends that I could never, ever do without. McTwitchy is in that category. He's a really good man.

So TRS is back on the dating scene... which should be great fodder for bloggy updates! My social life suffered while I was poor and unemployed... so you will also get updates on my efforts to be social again.

It's all.... This Season... on Single Solitary Things!!!

Can I Get an App for That?

I was at the phone store today looking into an upgrade that I apparently should have installed in the first month that I owned my Smart Phone.

I figured it was time to bite the bullet, even if I have to lose some apps or reinstall them. The dude made heroic efforts to save my contacts before the upgrade so that I wouldn't lose all 230 people in my phone book - because, believe me, there is no way I would remember ANY of those numbers.

Finally, Dude announced that he had saved my contacts, but I would lose my text message history.

Lose my texts? My gut lurched. "Don't do it!"
Dude looked at me, quizzically. I glanced to the woman standing over my shoulder and said, "I have all these sweet texts from my guy. I'm not ready to part with them!"
She chuckled.
I reconsidered. Is this just another symptom of my pack rat mentality? That I'm not able to let go of things?

The woman and I reached the same conclusion at the same time. "That's all we have," she said, "It's not like we get letters any more."
I agreed. "It's certainly not like Pride & Prejudice, where I might have of stack of sweet nothings tied with pretty ribbon. They're in my phone!"Dude said I'll have to wait until I print out my text thread. Can you do that? I demanded. No.
So now we wait until technology allows us to print out our text history. (are we sure we can't? - is it only on fictional Law & Order that text histories are admissible in court?)

So whoever has the tech ability to do so... please develop an app for modern day women to preserve their love letters! You can call the it the Pride & Prejudice App.

Big Time

My friends are looking at me differently these days. They haven't seen me this happy in a while!

The other night at a little cocktail party - someone asked me about this guy she'd heard about. I filled her in on McTwitchy, all the while feeling that now familiar gigantic smile spread across my face! She couldn't help but notice... and asked, "Have you ever felt this way before?" I thought hard about my answer. I've felt giddy before. I've felt the twitterpaiting feelings of love before. Finally, my reply, "Not like this."

There's a new song playing these days:

and it makes me feel like a giddy, silly teenager thinking every word is about me... but I can honestly envision McTwitchy saying each word of each lyric to me. Even if he didn't - he still makes me feel that way. He makes me feel that beautiful.

He has already said most of it. That there is nothing about my looks that he would change. That he thinks I'm amazing. He appreciates my honesty, my support, who I am. And I him.

I'm just so happy with him in my life!

Prayers please, as he is headed to The Very Big City this week. It's time for The Big Decision. I pray that he makes a choice that is right for him, a decision that gives him peace as he's been living under a lot of stress lately.

Expecting Rain

My priest recently told the story of a pastor of a rural church – in an agricultural community that relies on the earth and abundance for it’s economy.

They were suffering from severe drought – so one Sunday the pastor told his church that everyone should gather everyone they know, and come to church the following Tuesday, when they would all come together to pray for rain. Surely, if the entire community came together, God would answer their prayers.

Tuesday came, and the turn out was incredible. Everyone was there. The most amazing gathering ever. The crowd murmured, impressed with themselves.

But the pastor nearly felt defeated. He hung his head in his hands and said… “Oh, that we don’t all have the faith of our dear sister Alba!!”

The entire crowd turned to look at Miss Alba… the only person who bothered to bring an umbrella.

Personally, I have boiled the story down to remind myself… "If you’re going to pray for rain, have enough faith to carry an umbrella."

My personal umbrella carrying is the mere fact that I am still dating!
I must believe that God has the ideal husband for me out there - or I would have
stopped dating years ago!

I shared that story a couple of weeks ago with McTwitchy - in reference to the great decision he has to make regarding the new job or keeping his business here.
I suggested that he determine what his Best Case Scenario is... then pray for that. But pray with the faith that God WILL make it happen.

Like me, McTwitchy is a bit rusty in his prayer life - so my suggestion is a real leap of faith for him. I don't know if he is praying or not - but I am.

Last week, McTwitchy called with news of a client meeting that left him speechless. This client who has not had work for him in a long while suddenly promises lots of business coming up! They need him! McTwitchy could barely register the information.

I found myself smiling from ear to ear as I recognized this as an obvious answer to prayer. I thought, "You can stay!" I also thought, "It's going to rain! I've got my umbrella!"

Still no definitive word on which way McTwitchy's decision will go.
We are truly enjoying this time together and I pray that whatever his decision - eventually he will decide he wants me at his side! I am crazy about this man. I am learning so much about him, it's like opening a different special gift every time I see him!

Forgiveness

My attempts at seeking spiritual guidance have been less than fruitful.
A few years ago, I met with my parish priest to discuss forgiveness. You see, 25 years ago this month, my older sister was brutally murdered. Then 4 years ago the parole board let her murderer out of prison.

So I've been dealing with the concept of forgiving this man. It's a big job. Believe me. The only reason I can even consider it, is that I think my sister knew she would live a short life. When I think about her spirit, I'm sure she accepted her death. I can't tell you how I came to believe this but it does give me peace.

When I talked to my priest, he told me he thought that there are some things that are unforgivable - and this is probably one of them.

I don't like his answer. After all, God forgives all of us. Was he saying that even God wouldn't forgive my sister's murderer? I don't believe that is what the bible says. I mean, isn't that what the cross was all about?

McTwitchy and I were talking about this. He says he agrees with the priest - and that he can't imagine a heaven in which murderers, child-rapists and the like are in the same place as the rest of us.

Hmmm.
I see his point.
But I explained that I think we, mortal humans cannot comprehend the magnitude of God's grace. We won't possibly understand it until we see salvation.

We talked some more, McTwitchy asserting that even the greatest forgiveness couldn't possibly justify such deeds. Even God couldn't forgive the Jeffrey Dahmer's of the world.

That idea made me uncomfortable. I started to think, "I hope He does." I hope God's grace and forgiveness IS that big. Because if not... if God doesn't absolve the most atrocious sins... then my 'small' sins don't deserve forgiveness either.

I'm not saying that I can begin to imagine how big this grace, forgiveness and majesty is... but I think I do believe that it is big enough to forgive even the truly horrendous.

Do you?