Have you noticed that "In a Relationship" status' (statuses, stati?) are popping up all over f@cebook?
I am happy for them, but I do wonder how it happens. I was only on f@cebook the last year that Mr. Burns and I were together, and I was only comfortable enough to switch my status to "It's Complicated" which was rather apt!
A friend of mine in another state just changed his status. He also shared his joy with me that he is in love with someone new. When I asked him what made her special to him, he said it was her casual, laid-back personality. The clincher: "In four months (of dating) she never asked once about our 'relationship'... Not once. She simply relaxed and had fun."
It occurred to me that that's not so unusual. To me, the first four months is about getting to know one another, to see if you're compatible and whether you ought to be in a relationship.
I know I don't squeak and fuss about "where our relationship is going" early on... I've learned that in all my years of dating. Nothing is a bigger turnoff to a man than a woman bugging him to jump into something for which he's not ready.
I can't imagine many women would be nagging in the first four months... but then, I don't date women. I told my friend that knowing him, he was open and communicative so as a result she didn't have to ask questions because she knew (at the very least) that they were on equal footing.
The four month mark is a reasonable time to know whether you are coming or going in a relationship... so the fact that he knew enough to 'define the relationship' at that point speaks to his decency and maturity.
Those men who don't do such due diligence, are the ones who get all irritated and annoyed when women then start asking questions.
I think that's the red flag. If after four months, a man hems and haws and avoids "defining the relationship" - he's either not into her, he's using her for sex, or he simply lacks the maturity (or readiness) to have a relationship.
Quite frankly, that's what happened with McTwitchy. Depending on where you started counting (from our first stint at dating or from our second go 'round) we'd been dating for either four or six months when I started asking questions. Not about marriage, just about the seriousness of his intent. Based on past experience, I wasn't going to waste months on someone who wasn't into it - because I didn't want to miss meeting the man who would love me without reservation.
(I still think McTwitchy had special considerations, and it's still quite frustrating to know how much he liked me, and I liked him, but it just couldn't move forward. So sad.)
It is in a man's best interest to make sure the woman he is dating both feels special, and knows that she is special to him. A smart, kind and thoughtful man will make sure a woman knows where she stands. Four months into a relationship is fair game for both parties to want some clarity.
To men, my advice is this; if at four months (six months maximum) you don't feel like this woman is really special and that you really want to get to know her better, let her go. Make sure that you broach the topic before she has to.
Actually, men would do well to know that... if you really want to be successful in relationships, do what needs to be done before she has to ask. Define the Relationship, tell her you love her, do the break-up if you have to. If you wonder why women are always asking questions and never seem satisfied with what you do... it's probably because you are not doing these things. (Now, if you have no interest in making a woman feel special - that's fine. Either don't date, or don't be surprised that you're with a frustrated woman.)
It's so funny, I hear talk of men complaining of their girlfriends whining about wanting to get married.... and my thought is, "You should have asked before she had to bring it up!"
That's a pretty clear sign that you're not on the same page. A woman will wait a good three to six months after she thinks she's sure he's the right one, before she mentions it to him. So if she has to bring it up, he's slacking off.
For example, I waited for three months after I was ready to tell Mr. Burns that I loved him --- to hear it from him first. Three months! I finally went off when we were spending the day with my friend and her husband and Mr Burns said, "I love this guy!" It took him another YEAR for him to tell me that maybe he felt like he did love me! Ugh. How on earth did I waste that much time with him?!
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Worth the Trip?
When I moved to this city, I left some close friends behind back home. Initially, I thought I would only be here for six months. It'll be nine years this summer. When I knew I was staying, I mentioned to some of those friends how nice it would be if they came to visit.
One of my guy friends has been out here three times now. He is a traveler, so it's natural for him.
Another girl friend came out for a weekend visit once... and another caught up with me when her parents brought her out here for a Rockies game.
But my best friend has never come. I was her maid of honor. I am Godmother to her oldest child.
About eight years ago, she told me she would come out for my wedding.
Well guess what? There hasn't been a wedding. There is no wedding on the horizon.
I moved here in my early 30s, so everyone thought Mr.Right was just about to show up. It was reasonable that a friend would assume that a wedding would be just a year or two away.
Then in 2007, I started dating Mr. Burns and a lot of people thought a wedding was eminent.
As you know, that was a no-go.
Eight years later, isn't it time to get in the car and say hi?
Yeah, I admit I'm hurt by it... and if you don't understand why, let me put it this way... I'm not important enough to visit just me. I'm not worth visiting unless I can prove that someone else, someone whom she has never met, loves me and wants to spend his life with me.
Is that how you want your friends to feel?
So if I never have a wedding - she'll never visit?
Part of this world tells me that I shouldn't feel pressured to be married. But then some of the people closest to me can only justify a car trip if there's a big event to go along with seeing me.
(Let's face it, we've all been to friend's weddings... you don't even get to visit with the bride or groom... they're way too busy!)
Is anyone else out there sending a message like this to someone they love? Did you even realize the message you're sending?
FYI: It's an eight hour car trip or a 2 hour flight. I drive a couple hours out of my way to visit her when I'm out that way to visit my parents.
One of my guy friends has been out here three times now. He is a traveler, so it's natural for him.
Another girl friend came out for a weekend visit once... and another caught up with me when her parents brought her out here for a Rockies game.
But my best friend has never come. I was her maid of honor. I am Godmother to her oldest child.
About eight years ago, she told me she would come out for my wedding.
Well guess what? There hasn't been a wedding. There is no wedding on the horizon.
I moved here in my early 30s, so everyone thought Mr.Right was just about to show up. It was reasonable that a friend would assume that a wedding would be just a year or two away.
Then in 2007, I started dating Mr. Burns and a lot of people thought a wedding was eminent.
As you know, that was a no-go.
Eight years later, isn't it time to get in the car and say hi?
Yeah, I admit I'm hurt by it... and if you don't understand why, let me put it this way... I'm not important enough to visit just me. I'm not worth visiting unless I can prove that someone else, someone whom she has never met, loves me and wants to spend his life with me.
Is that how you want your friends to feel?
So if I never have a wedding - she'll never visit?
Part of this world tells me that I shouldn't feel pressured to be married. But then some of the people closest to me can only justify a car trip if there's a big event to go along with seeing me.
(Let's face it, we've all been to friend's weddings... you don't even get to visit with the bride or groom... they're way too busy!)
Is anyone else out there sending a message like this to someone they love? Did you even realize the message you're sending?
FYI: It's an eight hour car trip or a 2 hour flight. I drive a couple hours out of my way to visit her when I'm out that way to visit my parents.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Forever or Never
I have a favorite afternoon radio show. The guys are hilarious, silly and actually pretty smart. They pose very intriguing questions and conundrums... and then they have great discussions with their call-in listeners. It's a great venue to hear lots of different opinions.
More than once, they have tackled the question of the ultimatum. Would it work, does it ever work... for a woman to throw down the gaunlet on her man, "Propose to me by ____ or I'm gone."? Typically, they advise women to have the ultimatum in mind, but never speak of it. Stick to your decision though, if he doesn't meet your needs, move on. I agree. Proposing an ultimatum puts the man in an uncomfortable position. Would you really want to marry someone who came to the decision reluctantly?
One recent afternoon they addressed the situation from another angle. Their question, "If you are with the man you want to spend the rest of your life with... what is the breaking point that makes you walk? If you love him and want to marry him, why end the relationship just because he doesn't want to get married? Do you suddenly not love him?"
Interesting. Coming from two men, they theorized that a woman who does so never really loved the man.
For one thing, if it's a man who never intends to marry - he should state that upfront. That's only fair.
Callers offered several different thoughts. While I didn't call in, I did roll the concept around in my head and concluded: If he loves her... and we're talking about a scenario in which he would happily stay with her indefinitely... then the fact that he won't do this one thing to fulfill that desire for her speaks volumes. Doesn't it?
I think it's clear that if one person wants to get married and the other doesn't... then their goals aren't the same to begin with.
I'll take it a step further and suggest that if life goals don't match up from the start, a couple may have no business getting involved.
A couple should establish 1) a common faith, or an acceptance of their differences 2) common activities 3) support of one another's life goals.... loooonnnngg before they sleep together, live together or otherwise commit to one another. But in today's culture... most couples work the opposite direction, placing physical attraction and chemistry ahead of what they ever have in common.
That's how someone finds oneself in a position of being in love with someone who never wants to marry them.
How can one say forever, if the other is stuck on never?
More than once, they have tackled the question of the ultimatum. Would it work, does it ever work... for a woman to throw down the gaunlet on her man, "Propose to me by ____ or I'm gone."? Typically, they advise women to have the ultimatum in mind, but never speak of it. Stick to your decision though, if he doesn't meet your needs, move on. I agree. Proposing an ultimatum puts the man in an uncomfortable position. Would you really want to marry someone who came to the decision reluctantly?
One recent afternoon they addressed the situation from another angle. Their question, "If you are with the man you want to spend the rest of your life with... what is the breaking point that makes you walk? If you love him and want to marry him, why end the relationship just because he doesn't want to get married? Do you suddenly not love him?"
Interesting. Coming from two men, they theorized that a woman who does so never really loved the man.
For one thing, if it's a man who never intends to marry - he should state that upfront. That's only fair.
Callers offered several different thoughts. While I didn't call in, I did roll the concept around in my head and concluded: If he loves her... and we're talking about a scenario in which he would happily stay with her indefinitely... then the fact that he won't do this one thing to fulfill that desire for her speaks volumes. Doesn't it?
I think it's clear that if one person wants to get married and the other doesn't... then their goals aren't the same to begin with.
I'll take it a step further and suggest that if life goals don't match up from the start, a couple may have no business getting involved.
A couple should establish 1) a common faith, or an acceptance of their differences 2) common activities 3) support of one another's life goals.... loooonnnngg before they sleep together, live together or otherwise commit to one another. But in today's culture... most couples work the opposite direction, placing physical attraction and chemistry ahead of what they ever have in common.
That's how someone finds oneself in a position of being in love with someone who never wants to marry them.
How can one say forever, if the other is stuck on never?
Thursday, April 07, 2011
Worth Waiting For!
I love my bloggy friends!
Miss Andi shared this spoken word poetry slam... very inspiring.
I Will Wait For You
Lots of beautiful lines... one in particular, "I will no longer get weighed down from so-called friends and family talks about the concern for my biological clock when I serve The Author of Time!"
The standards we all should wait for... and single men should work to live up to.
It's a lot to live up to... but the effort would go a long way.
Beautiful, thanks for sharing Andi!!
Miss Andi shared this spoken word poetry slam... very inspiring.
I Will Wait For You
Lots of beautiful lines... one in particular, "I will no longer get weighed down from so-called friends and family talks about the concern for my biological clock when I serve The Author of Time!"
The standards we all should wait for... and single men should work to live up to.
It's a lot to live up to... but the effort would go a long way.
Beautiful, thanks for sharing Andi!!
Sunday, April 03, 2011
Scoreboard!
Do you remember the little snarky chants your schoolmates came up with at school sporting events?
I recall our High School boy's basket ball team playing the well-known boy's only school in another city. When their side chanted the familiar: "We've got spirit, Yes we do! We've got spirit, How 'bout you?" The retort from the seniors on our side came: "We've got GIRLS, Yes we do! We've got GIRLS, How 'bout you?"
I'm told it wasn't the first time they heard that!
My favorite came during the Girl's State Basketball Tournament one year, when one of our girls put up a poorly executed shot and the fans on the other side bellowed: "Airball, airball."
The quick retort from our side: "Scoreboard. Scoreboard!" seeing that we had a healthy lead with just a few minutes left... it didn't really matter that we put up an airball. It's about perspective.
I'm not a sports fan - but this is what came to mind as I wanted to share tonight's dating report.
I want to point to the scoreboard...
The guy who ticked me off on the phone the other night - 0.
The guy I met for coffee late this afternoon - 237 points!
He's not close to my type - if I have one... but he met most of my initial requirements and he's nice looking and he was so engaging on the phone that I had to meet him.
I had the best time... with the benefit of a beautiful afternoon, basking in warm sun and a light breeze. We had a great conversation... he's kind and thoughtful and sweet. He held my hand, he thinks I'm funny.
All in all... just a great experience.
No idea what happens next but it's nice just to have a good, positive date!
Quite certain I'll see him again. He's not at all who I would picture myself with - but I'm impressed nonetheless.
Just thought I'd share that happy!
I recall our High School boy's basket ball team playing the well-known boy's only school in another city. When their side chanted the familiar: "We've got spirit, Yes we do! We've got spirit, How 'bout you?" The retort from the seniors on our side came: "We've got GIRLS, Yes we do! We've got GIRLS, How 'bout you?"
I'm told it wasn't the first time they heard that!
My favorite came during the Girl's State Basketball Tournament one year, when one of our girls put up a poorly executed shot and the fans on the other side bellowed: "Airball, airball."
The quick retort from our side: "Scoreboard. Scoreboard!" seeing that we had a healthy lead with just a few minutes left... it didn't really matter that we put up an airball. It's about perspective.
I'm not a sports fan - but this is what came to mind as I wanted to share tonight's dating report.
I want to point to the scoreboard...
The guy who ticked me off on the phone the other night - 0.
The guy I met for coffee late this afternoon - 237 points!
He's not close to my type - if I have one... but he met most of my initial requirements and he's nice looking and he was so engaging on the phone that I had to meet him.
I had the best time... with the benefit of a beautiful afternoon, basking in warm sun and a light breeze. We had a great conversation... he's kind and thoughtful and sweet. He held my hand, he thinks I'm funny.
All in all... just a great experience.
No idea what happens next but it's nice just to have a good, positive date!
Quite certain I'll see him again. He's not at all who I would picture myself with - but I'm impressed nonetheless.
Just thought I'd share that happy!
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Dodging Bullets
These days, I am putting some effort into online dating. I'm opening myself up to phone conversations with more prospects right now.
One guy called me while I was at work the other day... I was a bit put off by it. But rather than be hasty, I told him I'd call him back when I wasn't working. I was at home tonight trying to edit a photo session I did this weekend... and thinking I should call him... but that I needed to make progress in Photoshop.
Suddenly the phone rang - it was a different online suitor.
He started talking. and talking. He would make a statement and I would try to respond to him... but he would continue with what he was saying. Essentially talking over me. I was annoyed, but thought, "Maybe he's nervous. I'll give him some time to see if he corrects this behavior."
At one point, I even said something about seeing if I had hit the MUTE button on my phone - because he obviously wasn't hearing me. Still, nothing changed.
This guy has no idea how to have a conversation!
I would try to interject occasionally, to turn it into a conversation...otherwise it's just a monologue! But every effort I made was futile.
Finally, I would try to interject - he would keep talking - then I would sigh. Occasionally, he made room for me, and then started talking before I could finish my thought or point!! I tried a new tactic - interjecting with "What I was going to say... " More steamrolling!
This wasn't a 12 year old! This was a 40+ year old man!
I gave it a full 30 minutes and then when he mentioned that I sounded frustrated... I started to explain that I was feeling like he wasn't interested in anything I had to say. That he kept talking over me.
Then he interrupted to say something about me interrupting him!
At that point, all bets were off. I was going to have my say whether he was talking or not - and I told him that it's customary in a CONVERSATION to have some give and take. A little exchange of ideas.
He didn't hear a word because he was more interested in making his point - which was to say that I was too feisty - and that he didn't see any point in continuing communication with me. Communication?! Ha!
It got a bit ugly... and I expressed alarm that I couldn't be the first woman to make this observation. According to him I was! Oh well. Clearly no sense of self awareness. (could that play in to why he is divorced?)
The phone call ended and I was all spun up. I mean spun UP!
My phone rang again - and it was the guy from the other day. I was still so agitated that I blurted out what the first guy had done. Then I felt bad because there I was - dominating the first thirty seconds of conversation.
But this man listened intently, and expressed appropriate alarm in the situation.
Once I dumped it all out, I was able to settle down - and we had a very nice conversation. An exchange of thoughts and ideas... just as someone would expect.
It was so nice... and he was very engaging! I even joked that he was lucky the first guy was such a jerk - it made him look even better!
So I'm planning coffee with guy #2. Faith in humanity restored for now!
One guy called me while I was at work the other day... I was a bit put off by it. But rather than be hasty, I told him I'd call him back when I wasn't working. I was at home tonight trying to edit a photo session I did this weekend... and thinking I should call him... but that I needed to make progress in Photoshop.
Suddenly the phone rang - it was a different online suitor.
He started talking. and talking. He would make a statement and I would try to respond to him... but he would continue with what he was saying. Essentially talking over me. I was annoyed, but thought, "Maybe he's nervous. I'll give him some time to see if he corrects this behavior."
At one point, I even said something about seeing if I had hit the MUTE button on my phone - because he obviously wasn't hearing me. Still, nothing changed.
This guy has no idea how to have a conversation!
I would try to interject occasionally, to turn it into a conversation...otherwise it's just a monologue! But every effort I made was futile.
Finally, I would try to interject - he would keep talking - then I would sigh. Occasionally, he made room for me, and then started talking before I could finish my thought or point!! I tried a new tactic - interjecting with "What I was going to say... " More steamrolling!
This wasn't a 12 year old! This was a 40+ year old man!
I gave it a full 30 minutes and then when he mentioned that I sounded frustrated... I started to explain that I was feeling like he wasn't interested in anything I had to say. That he kept talking over me.
Then he interrupted to say something about me interrupting him!
At that point, all bets were off. I was going to have my say whether he was talking or not - and I told him that it's customary in a CONVERSATION to have some give and take. A little exchange of ideas.
He didn't hear a word because he was more interested in making his point - which was to say that I was too feisty - and that he didn't see any point in continuing communication with me. Communication?! Ha!
It got a bit ugly... and I expressed alarm that I couldn't be the first woman to make this observation. According to him I was! Oh well. Clearly no sense of self awareness. (could that play in to why he is divorced?)
The phone call ended and I was all spun up. I mean spun UP!
My phone rang again - and it was the guy from the other day. I was still so agitated that I blurted out what the first guy had done. Then I felt bad because there I was - dominating the first thirty seconds of conversation.
But this man listened intently, and expressed appropriate alarm in the situation.
Once I dumped it all out, I was able to settle down - and we had a very nice conversation. An exchange of thoughts and ideas... just as someone would expect.
It was so nice... and he was very engaging! I even joked that he was lucky the first guy was such a jerk - it made him look even better!
So I'm planning coffee with guy #2. Faith in humanity restored for now!
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Good Questions
Let's talk about dating tactics.
In the comments of an earlier post, Anonymous Pablo posed a couple of questions about my dating strategies. I started to answer him in the comments but realized I had enough commentary on the subject that it might as well be a post of its' own.
This is not only an answer to Pablo - but also possibly to any long-married types who make the same suggestions, and wonder why these 'apparent tactics' aren't considered by the unintentional singles they know.
So... let's get to it.
Pablo asks...
The sad fact is... single men don't go to church. The only time we see single men (at least at the Catholic churches I go to) are once they are engaged. Then, all of a sudden they are interested in following the faith in order to qualify for a Catholic Wedding Mass. But you see, once they're engaged... I sort of consider them off the market!
I am a Eucharistic Minister at my church... which means that I am one of the lay people who distributes Holy Communion at Mass. In doing so... I see everyone in the congregation, up close and person as I share with them the Body and Blood of Christ. Most often the only single men I see are under age 25! (or over 50!)
I am also a Lector, (one who reads scripture at Mass) so I am up in front of the congregation on a regular basis. As a result of that... I am up there for all to see as an available single woman. (not to say that I serve in that capacity for that reason... but ... you know... there it is.) The point being, I am very active and very visible in my parish, so you can trust me when I say there are no single men there.
I do have a friend in that church, who is a single dad. I have socialized with him and others in the church... and I do like him enough to be interested - but it's pretty clear he is not interested in me, if in 6 years he hasn't approached me in that way. For the record... he doesn't seem to be interested in dating at all - his focus is on his child. I believe we have a mutual respect and admiration for each other - but that is where it will end.
I also occasionally visit other churches - and I do not encounter single men there either. The Catholic Church doesn't really have any type of singles ministry... so there is no way for us to get together if there WERE single Catholic men. We only have the option of church-wide socials, which really aren't a draw for single men or singles in general.
In fact, if you were to give single Catholic men the same advice - to look for a good woman at church - they typically balk at the idea. I have been single for many years... and whenever that suggestion is made, they respond almost as if it's a blasphemous thought! (McTwitchy and Mr. Burns included) They think it's disrespectful to the Mass to intend to meet chicks there.
It is also well considered, (much has been written on the subject - unfortunately, nothing I am able to document here) that many men stray from the church once they graduate from High School and leave home, not to return until they are ready to get married. The common thought on this is that men seem to feel that reliance on a higher power shows weakness. Somewhere along the way, men are influenced to value their own accomplishments over seeking assistance from an Almighty and all-knowing and all-powerful God. It usually takes the influence of a woman they love to get them back in church. The prospect of raising a family seems to be an incentive. (as evidenced by my single dad friend, mentioned above. Raising his child is incentive for a God-filled life)
Pablo also asks...
In fact... how about an excerpt? This is one paragraph of my 'About Me' section:
What I have noticed about online dating is 1) most men don't bother to read the profiles. They just look for pretty faces and then message women based on attraction. I think they see the writing as 'noise'. As a result, I get a lot of inquiries from men who identify as "Not Religious" or "No Religion". (despite my profile plea not to! ) On occasion, I have responded to such inquiries with a simple, "Did you read my profile?" Then I get a message back about how I am closed-minded, conservative or prudish. Yay.
2) When the only nibbles you get are from the wrong types, it's tempting to consider that maybe you are being too closed-minded. Maybe their idea of "Not Religious" means they haven't gone to church in 15 years but they're waiting for the woman who inspires them to return. Should I take that chance? Would it be better than no date at all?
Sometimes you have to take some risk.
Then there was the guy who identified himself as Catholic - and within 10 minutes of his first text to me... asked what I was wearing! When I responded that I had made it pretty clear that I was looking for a church-going Catholic man... and that I felt it was too soon in the getting-to-know-you stage to inquire about my undergarments, he responded by texting me a line or two from the "Our Father" which was clearly meant as sarcastic. (which I didn't appreciate at all.) A few more texts and it was clear he was just looking for bed buddy.
Dating is tedious at best. Online dating is just a minefield.
I'd really like to know how men experience online dating... because if their experience is as bad as mine... I just don't even see the point.
(I have heard from some men that their nemesis online are women who are looking for what might as well be called 'financial sponsors'. They make up stories about needed car repairs, house payments... and just milk men for cash. You would think if that's what men encounter... they'd be thrilled to find women like me!)
In the comments of an earlier post, Anonymous Pablo posed a couple of questions about my dating strategies. I started to answer him in the comments but realized I had enough commentary on the subject that it might as well be a post of its' own.
This is not only an answer to Pablo - but also possibly to any long-married types who make the same suggestions, and wonder why these 'apparent tactics' aren't considered by the unintentional singles they know.
So... let's get to it.
Pablo asks...
"...if you want a man that can go to mass with you , why don´t you start looking inside your church or other churches, I mean men that are already there."You make a valid point, one that has been made to me for many years now... to look inside my church for an eligible man. The fact that I am at Mass every Sunday at one church or another... suggests that I have obviously looked there.
The sad fact is... single men don't go to church. The only time we see single men (at least at the Catholic churches I go to) are once they are engaged. Then, all of a sudden they are interested in following the faith in order to qualify for a Catholic Wedding Mass. But you see, once they're engaged... I sort of consider them off the market!
I am a Eucharistic Minister at my church... which means that I am one of the lay people who distributes Holy Communion at Mass. In doing so... I see everyone in the congregation, up close and person as I share with them the Body and Blood of Christ. Most often the only single men I see are under age 25! (or over 50!)
I am also a Lector, (one who reads scripture at Mass) so I am up in front of the congregation on a regular basis. As a result of that... I am up there for all to see as an available single woman. (not to say that I serve in that capacity for that reason... but ... you know... there it is.) The point being, I am very active and very visible in my parish, so you can trust me when I say there are no single men there.
I do have a friend in that church, who is a single dad. I have socialized with him and others in the church... and I do like him enough to be interested - but it's pretty clear he is not interested in me, if in 6 years he hasn't approached me in that way. For the record... he doesn't seem to be interested in dating at all - his focus is on his child. I believe we have a mutual respect and admiration for each other - but that is where it will end.
I also occasionally visit other churches - and I do not encounter single men there either. The Catholic Church doesn't really have any type of singles ministry... so there is no way for us to get together if there WERE single Catholic men. We only have the option of church-wide socials, which really aren't a draw for single men or singles in general.
In fact, if you were to give single Catholic men the same advice - to look for a good woman at church - they typically balk at the idea. I have been single for many years... and whenever that suggestion is made, they respond almost as if it's a blasphemous thought! (McTwitchy and Mr. Burns included) They think it's disrespectful to the Mass to intend to meet chicks there.
It is also well considered, (much has been written on the subject - unfortunately, nothing I am able to document here) that many men stray from the church once they graduate from High School and leave home, not to return until they are ready to get married. The common thought on this is that men seem to feel that reliance on a higher power shows weakness. Somewhere along the way, men are influenced to value their own accomplishments over seeking assistance from an Almighty and all-knowing and all-powerful God. It usually takes the influence of a woman they love to get them back in church. The prospect of raising a family seems to be an incentive. (as evidenced by my single dad friend, mentioned above. Raising his child is incentive for a God-filled life)
Pablo also asks...
...why don´t you tell the guy all these things you write here,try to be clear from the beginning, before you meet him. The worse thing or one of the worse things is that the signals are not clear for the other person, so say want you look for and what you want in a clear way, so you can be sure he got the message from the begining.(sic) Thats (sic) my opinion."Also a good point. If you saw my online dating profile, you would know that I make it as crystal clear as possible.
In fact... how about an excerpt? This is one paragraph of my 'About Me' section:
"My faith is important to me and I need someone who appreciates that, as it's not going to change. I am a lifelong Catholic and would really like to find a good Catholic man - I could be open to a man of another denomination, if he's already active in his church and serious about his faith.Is that clear enough?
If you have checked "Spiritual not Religious" or "Other Religion" I am NOT for you. Trust me on this. I need a man who, like me, is going to put God first. It's not easy and I don't always succeed... but that's my goal."
What I have noticed about online dating is 1) most men don't bother to read the profiles. They just look for pretty faces and then message women based on attraction. I think they see the writing as 'noise'. As a result, I get a lot of inquiries from men who identify as "Not Religious" or "No Religion". (despite my profile plea not to! ) On occasion, I have responded to such inquiries with a simple, "Did you read my profile?" Then I get a message back about how I am closed-minded, conservative or prudish. Yay.
2) When the only nibbles you get are from the wrong types, it's tempting to consider that maybe you are being too closed-minded. Maybe their idea of "Not Religious" means they haven't gone to church in 15 years but they're waiting for the woman who inspires them to return. Should I take that chance? Would it be better than no date at all?
Sometimes you have to take some risk.
Then there was the guy who identified himself as Catholic - and within 10 minutes of his first text to me... asked what I was wearing! When I responded that I had made it pretty clear that I was looking for a church-going Catholic man... and that I felt it was too soon in the getting-to-know-you stage to inquire about my undergarments, he responded by texting me a line or two from the "Our Father" which was clearly meant as sarcastic. (which I didn't appreciate at all.) A few more texts and it was clear he was just looking for bed buddy.
Dating is tedious at best. Online dating is just a minefield.
I'd really like to know how men experience online dating... because if their experience is as bad as mine... I just don't even see the point.
(I have heard from some men that their nemesis online are women who are looking for what might as well be called 'financial sponsors'. They make up stories about needed car repairs, house payments... and just milk men for cash. You would think if that's what men encounter... they'd be thrilled to find women like me!)
Thursday, March 24, 2011
The Line Forms Here...
At my church's Lenten fish fry, I carried my tray through the serving line then scanned the rows of tables for some familiar faces. I found them at fully packed tables, so I looked around some more.
Finally, I spotted an opening and some friendly new faces so I screwed up my courage and as I claimed a seat I announced, "Sheesh, there are never any singles tables at these things!" That remark drew laughter and served as a mark for conversation. That evening I met a couple, younger than me with an adorable brand new baby... and a trio of sweet older ladies who are now fixed on introducing me to at least one suitable nephew!
There is something to be said for making your needs known! It took a solid 45 minutes for Ms. Martha, across the table from me to think of her nephew. I gave her my phone number and email address... but I doubt I'll hear from her until the next fish fry!
Later that week, at work one of the women at the office asked me what sort of man I'm looking for - her queries were about height and I declared indifference. I have no height or hair requirements as long as the man is whole!! We joked about the pain of dating... and a few days later she announced that she thought of someone to introduce me to. She started naming qualities to determine if anything was a deal breaker.
Finally I said, "I'll meet anybody, as long as you think we'll have something in common. This isn't a commitment to marry me. Just to meet me."
The ladies seemed to appreciate that ... and then my sarcastic nature took the best of me... "Just line 'em up!"
In related news... I have another set up in the works. I'm told he's a good, interesting guy. His main fault seems to be bad hair. Hopefully that's correctable.
And my dance card on my online dating site is starting to fill up. There is at least one very appealing prospect... so I'll have updates to share if you care to hear about my dating adventures.
Hoping to kiss my last frog.
Finally, I spotted an opening and some friendly new faces so I screwed up my courage and as I claimed a seat I announced, "Sheesh, there are never any singles tables at these things!" That remark drew laughter and served as a mark for conversation. That evening I met a couple, younger than me with an adorable brand new baby... and a trio of sweet older ladies who are now fixed on introducing me to at least one suitable nephew!
There is something to be said for making your needs known! It took a solid 45 minutes for Ms. Martha, across the table from me to think of her nephew. I gave her my phone number and email address... but I doubt I'll hear from her until the next fish fry!
Later that week, at work one of the women at the office asked me what sort of man I'm looking for - her queries were about height and I declared indifference. I have no height or hair requirements as long as the man is whole!! We joked about the pain of dating... and a few days later she announced that she thought of someone to introduce me to. She started naming qualities to determine if anything was a deal breaker.
Finally I said, "I'll meet anybody, as long as you think we'll have something in common. This isn't a commitment to marry me. Just to meet me."
The ladies seemed to appreciate that ... and then my sarcastic nature took the best of me... "Just line 'em up!"
In related news... I have another set up in the works. I'm told he's a good, interesting guy. His main fault seems to be bad hair. Hopefully that's correctable.
And my dance card on my online dating site is starting to fill up. There is at least one very appealing prospect... so I'll have updates to share if you care to hear about my dating adventures.
Hoping to kiss my last frog.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
Cut to the Chase
Last weekend I had a third date with a guy I met online.
He's the sort of guy that you know is a good man - he volunteers, works with kids, wants to start an orphanage. Still, I didn't feel sparks of attraction. We got to date number three so that I could be sure I wasn't missing something.
For our second date, we met at a restaurant for dinner. I liked him a little better than after our first date. He's funny. Nice eyes, nice smile. But still no sparks.
So I was very surprised when he texted me shortly after we parted saying, "I wanted to kiss you."
Really? I hadn't gotten that sense at all.
When I didn't hear from him for more than a week after that... figured he'd given up.
Eventually, we planned date #3.
We went for a long walk with his well-behaved but hyper little dog. Then stopped at a restaurant beyond the park to have a little lunch. On the way back across the park, he told me about his ideas about faith. While it was interesting... it was, for me, a turn off.
You know when you look at online dating profiles and they say something like their 'own religion'? He's one of those. He even wrote a book about his theory!!
(I'm not going to describe or mention it here because I certainly don't want to drive his web traffic to my blog!!!)
Like I said... it was interesting but not compelling to me. I knew instantly that this is not someone I can partner through life with.
Que Sera sera.
But. He's a nice man and I didn't not like him.
So we sat and talked for a bit. He really wanted to kiss me.
I started to explain that I'm in a place in my life that I need to date more than one man at a time, and therefore, it would be awkward to kiss any one of them - because it would be unfair, mis-leading, and eventually kissing leads to other things - which then would make me dishonest with any other man I would be dating.
He sort of blurts out, "What, do you think I want to sleep with you?"
he didn't let me answer, he continued... "Of course I do. I'm a guy."
Then he explained that he believes everyone knows within three minutes whether they want to sleep with someone.
Him, me, everyone.
I wanted to argue, but I wasn't given a chance.
I wanted to say that sure, we might sum someone up as 'desirable' or not but that for me, I don't want to sleep with someone until I know that could potentially marry that person.
I rarely even decide if they are attractive to me or not, until I can surmise what sort of life partner they might make.
Sure, in the secular world people can boil it all down to sex and attraction.
But when you're looking for someone who has your salvation in mind... there is much more to consider. To me, attraction starts with... will this guy go to Mass with me? Will he care for me and my family? Would he agree to me staying home if we have kids? In short, does he value what I value?
So today, I got to thinking... counselors, writers, parents, society... all mock women for the 'gene' that gets us planning our wedding with some guy before the second date - but what they don't realize is for some of us, dating IS about planning a marriage.
This guy wouldn't even have gotten to our second date if my only criteria were whether I wanted to have sex with him! But I wanted to know his real worth... what sort of man is he?
To me, that's not so silly.
I only wish it were more acceptable in society to look for a life mate and not just to mate!
I guess I'm supposed to be flattered that he wanted to nail me!
Which reminds me of this...
Also, what if I told a guy, "If my main criteria for dating you was based on whether I wanted to sleep with you, we wouldn't have made it this far."
Howdoya think that would go over?!
He's the sort of guy that you know is a good man - he volunteers, works with kids, wants to start an orphanage. Still, I didn't feel sparks of attraction. We got to date number three so that I could be sure I wasn't missing something.
For our second date, we met at a restaurant for dinner. I liked him a little better than after our first date. He's funny. Nice eyes, nice smile. But still no sparks.
So I was very surprised when he texted me shortly after we parted saying, "I wanted to kiss you."
Really? I hadn't gotten that sense at all.
When I didn't hear from him for more than a week after that... figured he'd given up.
Eventually, we planned date #3.
We went for a long walk with his well-behaved but hyper little dog. Then stopped at a restaurant beyond the park to have a little lunch. On the way back across the park, he told me about his ideas about faith. While it was interesting... it was, for me, a turn off.
You know when you look at online dating profiles and they say something like their 'own religion'? He's one of those. He even wrote a book about his theory!!
(I'm not going to describe or mention it here because I certainly don't want to drive his web traffic to my blog!!!)
Like I said... it was interesting but not compelling to me. I knew instantly that this is not someone I can partner through life with.
Que Sera sera.
But. He's a nice man and I didn't not like him.
So we sat and talked for a bit. He really wanted to kiss me.
I started to explain that I'm in a place in my life that I need to date more than one man at a time, and therefore, it would be awkward to kiss any one of them - because it would be unfair, mis-leading, and eventually kissing leads to other things - which then would make me dishonest with any other man I would be dating.
I feel I need to date more than one man at a time, because I tend to get all caught up and excited right away, to the exclusion of other options... then when it turns out that guy isn't right for me... there I am starting from scratch again.Anyway... he didn't let me get too far beyond just that I don't plan to kiss anyone for a while...
From here on out, I'm going to date a few men at once... until there is a stand-out who declares he wants me all to himself!
He sort of blurts out, "What, do you think I want to sleep with you?"
he didn't let me answer, he continued... "Of course I do. I'm a guy."
Then he explained that he believes everyone knows within three minutes whether they want to sleep with someone.
Him, me, everyone.
I wanted to argue, but I wasn't given a chance.
I wanted to say that sure, we might sum someone up as 'desirable' or not but that for me, I don't want to sleep with someone until I know that could potentially marry that person.
I rarely even decide if they are attractive to me or not, until I can surmise what sort of life partner they might make.
Sure, in the secular world people can boil it all down to sex and attraction.
But when you're looking for someone who has your salvation in mind... there is much more to consider. To me, attraction starts with... will this guy go to Mass with me? Will he care for me and my family? Would he agree to me staying home if we have kids? In short, does he value what I value?
So today, I got to thinking... counselors, writers, parents, society... all mock women for the 'gene' that gets us planning our wedding with some guy before the second date - but what they don't realize is for some of us, dating IS about planning a marriage.
This guy wouldn't even have gotten to our second date if my only criteria were whether I wanted to have sex with him! But I wanted to know his real worth... what sort of man is he?
To me, that's not so silly.
I only wish it were more acceptable in society to look for a life mate and not just to mate!
I guess I'm supposed to be flattered that he wanted to nail me!
Which reminds me of this...
Also, what if I told a guy, "If my main criteria for dating you was based on whether I wanted to sleep with you, we wouldn't have made it this far."
Howdoya think that would go over?!
Thursday, March 10, 2011
The Start of 40 Days
Today was Ash Wednesday - which is always a challenge for me.
In the Catholic church it is a day of fasting, which means one meal-sized meal and something small and nutritious on either side of that meal. Also, no meat (and I'm allergic to fish) so it's pretty tricky for me besides the fact that I am a real grazer! I was proud to say that I didn't snack all day at work.
I sort of view Lent as a second chance New Year's resolution. I didn't really make any firm resolutions for the new year so my plans for Lent are:
This Mass is usually more relaxed than our regular mass... and altar servers, lectors and other helpers are not necessarily lined up in advance.
So when it was time for the distribution of the ashes, Father asked for some of the Eucharistic Ministers to come up and help. So I did. That was the first time I got to distribute ashes which was a neat experience.
Then at communion, he had to ask for EMs again - so I was a busy servant at Mass.
The point of sharing that little fact is... when you serve during the Mass, people notice. There was a small family sitting in front of me that I had never seen before. I just assumed that they frequented a different Mass time.
Turns out they were new to Denver and to my church and so, when I leaned ahead at the conclusion of Mass to tell their daughter I thought her dress was very cute... the mom took the opportunity to introduce her family, share that they were new, and ask if I didn't just love serving as a Eucharistic Minister. Then she complimented me on my singing voice.
Isn't that just nice?!
I'm so glad she introduced herself, because I get really frustrated in the church that all the married people with families tend to keep to themselves - to the exclusion of singles in my opinion.
I'm going to like this family!
In the Catholic church it is a day of fasting, which means one meal-sized meal and something small and nutritious on either side of that meal. Also, no meat (and I'm allergic to fish) so it's pretty tricky for me besides the fact that I am a real grazer! I was proud to say that I didn't snack all day at work.
I sort of view Lent as a second chance New Year's resolution. I didn't really make any firm resolutions for the new year so my plans for Lent are:
No spending money outside of my essential expenses - I'm pretty impulsive, when I see something cute at a reasonable price I buy it with little thought. This will be a good exercise. I'm very tight-fisted about big purchases... but it's the small ones that add up.I ended up going to Ash Wednesday service late this evening. The last opportunity of the day.
Pray the Rosary Daily - I'm very lazy about this and I've actually already blown it for the first day of lent.
Socialize at least once a week - I know that doesn't sound like a sacrifice but I've decided it's something essential for my well-being. My social life pretty much collapsed while I was unemployed and poor. I'm making it a goal to rotate some new girlfriends into my weekly socials...we will be trying to meet men. God wants this for me. He does not want me to be alone.
This Mass is usually more relaxed than our regular mass... and altar servers, lectors and other helpers are not necessarily lined up in advance.
So when it was time for the distribution of the ashes, Father asked for some of the Eucharistic Ministers to come up and help. So I did. That was the first time I got to distribute ashes which was a neat experience.
Then at communion, he had to ask for EMs again - so I was a busy servant at Mass.
The point of sharing that little fact is... when you serve during the Mass, people notice. There was a small family sitting in front of me that I had never seen before. I just assumed that they frequented a different Mass time.
Turns out they were new to Denver and to my church and so, when I leaned ahead at the conclusion of Mass to tell their daughter I thought her dress was very cute... the mom took the opportunity to introduce her family, share that they were new, and ask if I didn't just love serving as a Eucharistic Minister. Then she complimented me on my singing voice.
Isn't that just nice?!
I'm so glad she introduced herself, because I get really frustrated in the church that all the married people with families tend to keep to themselves - to the exclusion of singles in my opinion.
I'm going to like this family!
Thursday, March 03, 2011
Dating Glowing Boxes
Enter online dating.
At first it was a little creepy. Like the 1970s personal ads for a lover... but not as romantic as the unromantic Pina Colada song. Couples that did meet online made up cover stories.
Once you composed your online profile, you didn't tell a soul. Maybe you confided in your very best friends, informing them in hushed tones and with a sideways glance, looking up through your eyelashes for understanding and approval.
I knew the taboo had passed when my mom suggested it. My divorced cousin met her fiance (now husband) through a Catholic dating site and now that was the 'obvious' solution for me.
There's no turning back, this is where technology and unfortunately, society is headed.
When I started online dating, the text message was still in the conception stage - perhaps infancy - either way, I wasn't doing it yet. I had a system in place, in which potential dates (including real life guys) would get my land line number until they 'qualified' for my cell number - which seemed like a great deal of personal access to give to a virtual stranger.
Nowadays, almost everyone has unlimited text. Most of society relies on it a bit too much.
When I can finally get a guy to graduate from sending me smiley faces and virtual roses on a dating site to actual online conversation, he 'earns' my cell number. The first communication is typically... guess what... a text!
Wait... a text would be nice. The problem is, I now have a text thread of 70 messages between myself and a guy I have met twice (dinner) and spoken to ONCE on the phone.
It's no way to start a relationship!
There is no tone of voice, no hint of laughter. No revealing small bits of one's personality.
It's more like responding to the check engine light on the dashboard of your car.
I can't have a relationship with a glowing box!
It's not just him. It's most men these days. I think they appreciate the mask of the glowing box - the anonymity of not dealing with a tone of voice.
I think it has to do with the infamous Fear of Rejection... which as I've written before, I don't understand.
Another online guy texted me, just to say, "Hey you." I had to ask who it was, followed by a little chit chat, then nothing. A few days later I went back to the dating site and asked, "Is that the extent of your woo?" Now he threatens/promises to call me. We'll see.
Should I tell you about one more guy who texted me a greeting of "What's up?" I responded that it was my day off and I was happy to be cleaning my house. His response, "What are you wearing?"
SERIOUSLY?
Even then, I gave him the benefit of the doubt and answered along the lines that my ensemble involved a very domestic apron, (to show my traditional side) only to have him ask about my panties. Whoa!! I informed him that was not appropriate in the get-to-know-you-stage and successfully scared him off! Never heard from him again.
I really don't know how anyone is supposed to get to know anyone else this way.
Even the men I meet IRL text more than they call.
I get that it's easier to just say hi, or pin down plans, arrival times and such. But I think that's all it should be used for - at least in the very beginning of a relationship.
Maybe that's the problem. Men aren't in the mindset that they're possibly starting a relationship. Maybe they just want to 'hang out'. Well, that's fine if you're 15 years old - but I'm a woman. Please notice that I'm more sophisticated than a 15 year old. Treat me like a lady. Talk to me more than you text me.
Speak to me to ask me out and make plans for a date.
Texting makes it too easy for a guy to tap out "Can you meet me for dinner tonight?"
Um... I'd like to be asked out a few days in advance. Asking me a mere few hours before makes me feel not only like an afterthought.... but sort of like a.... call girl!
Put down the glowing box and talk to me... using your bluetooth!
At first it was a little creepy. Like the 1970s personal ads for a lover... but not as romantic as the unromantic Pina Colada song. Couples that did meet online made up cover stories.
Once you composed your online profile, you didn't tell a soul. Maybe you confided in your very best friends, informing them in hushed tones and with a sideways glance, looking up through your eyelashes for understanding and approval.
I knew the taboo had passed when my mom suggested it. My divorced cousin met her fiance (now husband) through a Catholic dating site and now that was the 'obvious' solution for me.
There's no turning back, this is where technology and unfortunately, society is headed.
When I started online dating, the text message was still in the conception stage - perhaps infancy - either way, I wasn't doing it yet. I had a system in place, in which potential dates (including real life guys) would get my land line number until they 'qualified' for my cell number - which seemed like a great deal of personal access to give to a virtual stranger.
Nowadays, almost everyone has unlimited text. Most of society relies on it a bit too much.
When I can finally get a guy to graduate from sending me smiley faces and virtual roses on a dating site to actual online conversation, he 'earns' my cell number. The first communication is typically... guess what... a text!
Wait... a text would be nice. The problem is, I now have a text thread of 70 messages between myself and a guy I have met twice (dinner) and spoken to ONCE on the phone.
It's no way to start a relationship!
There is no tone of voice, no hint of laughter. No revealing small bits of one's personality.
It's more like responding to the check engine light on the dashboard of your car.
I can't have a relationship with a glowing box!
It's not just him. It's most men these days. I think they appreciate the mask of the glowing box - the anonymity of not dealing with a tone of voice.
I think it has to do with the infamous Fear of Rejection... which as I've written before, I don't understand.
Another online guy texted me, just to say, "Hey you." I had to ask who it was, followed by a little chit chat, then nothing. A few days later I went back to the dating site and asked, "Is that the extent of your woo?" Now he threatens/promises to call me. We'll see.
Should I tell you about one more guy who texted me a greeting of "What's up?" I responded that it was my day off and I was happy to be cleaning my house. His response, "What are you wearing?"
SERIOUSLY?
Even then, I gave him the benefit of the doubt and answered along the lines that my ensemble involved a very domestic apron, (to show my traditional side) only to have him ask about my panties. Whoa!! I informed him that was not appropriate in the get-to-know-you-stage and successfully scared him off! Never heard from him again.
I really don't know how anyone is supposed to get to know anyone else this way.
Even the men I meet IRL text more than they call.
I get that it's easier to just say hi, or pin down plans, arrival times and such. But I think that's all it should be used for - at least in the very beginning of a relationship.
Maybe that's the problem. Men aren't in the mindset that they're possibly starting a relationship. Maybe they just want to 'hang out'. Well, that's fine if you're 15 years old - but I'm a woman. Please notice that I'm more sophisticated than a 15 year old. Treat me like a lady. Talk to me more than you text me.
Speak to me to ask me out and make plans for a date.
Texting makes it too easy for a guy to tap out "Can you meet me for dinner tonight?"
Um... I'd like to be asked out a few days in advance. Asking me a mere few hours before makes me feel not only like an afterthought.... but sort of like a.... call girl!
Put down the glowing box and talk to me... using your bluetooth!
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Good Enough
You know how I mentioned that my new job is with an old employer?
I worked with them a few years ago, before I left to explore some other, exciting opportunities in my career field. I gained some great experience doing work I had dreamed of - work many people in my career field dream of. It was fun while it lasted.
Anyway. Back on track.
So I'm back at the company I worked for prior to the excitement.
A lot of the same people are still there and they are welcoming me back with great affection. New employees are trying to figure what all the buzz is about and making an effort to get to know me.
From the old: "So what have you been up to? Are you married now? No? Dating anyone?"
From the new: "So tell me about yourself... do you have children? Are you married?"
Gah! It's just uncomfortable how one's status boils down to whether someone else in the world has found one worthy of partnering up.
At least they haven't asked "Why" I'm not married!
Then the other night I was out with my cousin and her husband. We live in the same city but see each other rarely. She's actually my second cousin, quite a bit younger than I so we don't socialize much.
To make conversation, her husband asked if I was seeing anyone.
I simply explained: "I was seeing someone but it didn't work out. Back to the drawing board."
That's it. I didn't wax on about being lonely or how old I am or about my withered ovaries... just a basic answer - and the first thing out of her mouth was: "You just need to lower your standards."
Motioning to her husband with my head, I blurted out the first thing to land on my tongue, "You mean like you did?!"
She laughed and demurred, playing along like, 'yeah I'm stuck with this bozo.'
We're relatives so we share the sense of humor, and moved on to talking about furniture or some such.
But after dwelling on the exchange, I began to steam. We have barely talked in five years and here she makes assumptions on my standards. On my worth. On who I deserve.
I was actually quite pleased with my retort. Just enough humor and I made my point.
Although when I relayed it to my mom she scoffed, "That was mean!"
Well, wasn't what she said mean? Guess it's more acceptable to insult someone's lack of a spouse than someone's actual spouse!
Why does she get a pass and I don't?
She didn't ask me about my standards. She just implied that whatever I'm looking for - I don't deserve.
I've been fuming now about what else I might have said in response:
Actually, I find it quite telling that she said what she did. It shows she is young and inexperienced in the world.
Maybe it even tells me what she thinks of me... maybe she thinks I'm not attractive enough to have standards. Maybe she thinks I'm too old to hold out for what's best for me.
That's funny, to think that I'm holding out.
So, any thoughts on how to respond to such a statement?
Any smug marrieds make similar comments to you?
I worked with them a few years ago, before I left to explore some other, exciting opportunities in my career field. I gained some great experience doing work I had dreamed of - work many people in my career field dream of. It was fun while it lasted.
Anyway. Back on track.
So I'm back at the company I worked for prior to the excitement.
A lot of the same people are still there and they are welcoming me back with great affection. New employees are trying to figure what all the buzz is about and making an effort to get to know me.
From the old: "So what have you been up to? Are you married now? No? Dating anyone?"
From the new: "So tell me about yourself... do you have children? Are you married?"
Gah! It's just uncomfortable how one's status boils down to whether someone else in the world has found one worthy of partnering up.
At least they haven't asked "Why" I'm not married!
Then the other night I was out with my cousin and her husband. We live in the same city but see each other rarely. She's actually my second cousin, quite a bit younger than I so we don't socialize much.
To make conversation, her husband asked if I was seeing anyone.
I simply explained: "I was seeing someone but it didn't work out. Back to the drawing board."
That's it. I didn't wax on about being lonely or how old I am or about my withered ovaries... just a basic answer - and the first thing out of her mouth was: "You just need to lower your standards."
Motioning to her husband with my head, I blurted out the first thing to land on my tongue, "You mean like you did?!"
She laughed and demurred, playing along like, 'yeah I'm stuck with this bozo.'
We're relatives so we share the sense of humor, and moved on to talking about furniture or some such.
But after dwelling on the exchange, I began to steam. We have barely talked in five years and here she makes assumptions on my standards. On my worth. On who I deserve.
I was actually quite pleased with my retort. Just enough humor and I made my point.
Although when I relayed it to my mom she scoffed, "That was mean!"
Well, wasn't what she said mean? Guess it's more acceptable to insult someone's lack of a spouse than someone's actual spouse!
Why does she get a pass and I don't?
She didn't ask me about my standards. She just implied that whatever I'm looking for - I don't deserve.
I've been fuming now about what else I might have said in response:
- "What would be the point of marrying someone I don't respect or have something in common with?"
- "Oh? Is that what you'll tell your daughter some day?"
- "So should I just go stand outside a prison and hook up with whomever gets released that day?"
- "I just want my standards to be as high as those of the man whose standards I meet."
Actually, I find it quite telling that she said what she did. It shows she is young and inexperienced in the world.
Maybe it even tells me what she thinks of me... maybe she thinks I'm not attractive enough to have standards. Maybe she thinks I'm too old to hold out for what's best for me.
That's funny, to think that I'm holding out.
So, any thoughts on how to respond to such a statement?
Any smug marrieds make similar comments to you?
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Mid-Season Replacement
For many years my life has revolved around television. I have worked in many areas of broadcasting and so TV has been an occupational hazard of sorts.
Therefore, it seems appropriate that since I stopped updating this blog about the time the fall TV season ended in November... and now February sweeps are in full swing along with TV season continuations and some Mid-Season Replacements -I'm BACK!
Thanks to so many of you for your sweet comments checking on my welfare. I haven't even been close enough to my computer to check in... but every once in a while I did, and was very encouraged to see your notes! (I've published them all in the comments of the last post.)
It is nice to be missed.
Speaking of which, my friend Erin Ann did some stat checking and has informed me that A LOT of people having been stopping by Single Solitary Things in my absence. I don't mention that to brag... rather, it has made me realize that there are many people who must come here for solidarity, camaraderie and perhaps solace in our single lives.
I am astounded by this!
I do recognize it as a opportunity to be a voice, an advocate for those of us who await God's plan.
Maybe we want to be married. Maybe we're happily single. Maybe God is working on the men who He intends to become our husbands. Maybe He has other plans. Whatever the case, we are definitely a forgotten segment of society and if I can lend a voice that puts thoughts into words for adult single women... well, I will do my best. Perhaps this is my ministry.
I'm going to work on posting at least weekly. I hope you will all check back with me!
Now, I suppose I owe some sort of explanation to my absence:
For starters, I was managing the portrait studio during the holiday season, which peaked during November and December. I worked six days a week and was exhausted by the end of each day. I had so much housekeeping, bill paying and sleeping to do on my days off that I didn't even approach my computer for fear of losing hours of my one day off per week to the web that these Internets weave!
Then... as only can happen in the world of TRS, I got a call from an employer that I applied to last summer - finally offering me an interview! (maybe that's a sign the economy is recovering!) They also wanted a presentation, so my few spare hours were spent researching and polishing the presentation for a job I didn't get!!
THEN... I got a call out of the blue from a past employer... asking me to come back! How about them apples?! I went to meet with them and the first words out of the CEO's mouth were, "We have really come to appreciate you around here."
Let me tell you, after years of unemployment and underemployment... nothing sounds so sweet! It's work I enjoy, am great at, and really want to do so I'm pretty happy and fully employed for the first time in years.
THEN... just as I was ready to delve back into my blogging world - my Internet went down and it took me most of February to figure out the issue! I had three IT guys working on it!!
Now, I'm sure what you really want to know is - what's going on with McTwitchy?!!?!
Well, we had a couple of really lovely months leading up to his decision on the job offer in the Very Big City. He decided not to take the job. Which means he's staying here!
In the end we determined that he still has a lot to work out before he can really pursue a relationship. We had a wonderful discussion, and agreed that neither of us wanted to break up and never see one another again so we have decided to remain friends. I have a few of those, guys I've dated briefly, and retained as friends that I could never, ever do without. McTwitchy is in that category. He's a really good man.
So TRS is back on the dating scene... which should be great fodder for bloggy updates! My social life suffered while I was poor and unemployed... so you will also get updates on my efforts to be social again.
It's all.... This Season... on Single Solitary Things!!!
Therefore, it seems appropriate that since I stopped updating this blog about the time the fall TV season ended in November... and now February sweeps are in full swing along with TV season continuations and some Mid-Season Replacements -I'm BACK!
Thanks to so many of you for your sweet comments checking on my welfare. I haven't even been close enough to my computer to check in... but every once in a while I did, and was very encouraged to see your notes! (I've published them all in the comments of the last post.) It is nice to be missed.
Speaking of which, my friend Erin Ann did some stat checking and has informed me that A LOT of people having been stopping by Single Solitary Things in my absence. I don't mention that to brag... rather, it has made me realize that there are many people who must come here for solidarity, camaraderie and perhaps solace in our single lives.
I am astounded by this!
I do recognize it as a opportunity to be a voice, an advocate for those of us who await God's plan.
Maybe we want to be married. Maybe we're happily single. Maybe God is working on the men who He intends to become our husbands. Maybe He has other plans. Whatever the case, we are definitely a forgotten segment of society and if I can lend a voice that puts thoughts into words for adult single women... well, I will do my best. Perhaps this is my ministry.
I'm going to work on posting at least weekly. I hope you will all check back with me!
Now, I suppose I owe some sort of explanation to my absence:
For starters, I was managing the portrait studio during the holiday season, which peaked during November and December. I worked six days a week and was exhausted by the end of each day. I had so much housekeeping, bill paying and sleeping to do on my days off that I didn't even approach my computer for fear of losing hours of my one day off per week to the web that these Internets weave!
Then... as only can happen in the world of TRS, I got a call from an employer that I applied to last summer - finally offering me an interview! (maybe that's a sign the economy is recovering!) They also wanted a presentation, so my few spare hours were spent researching and polishing the presentation for a job I didn't get!!
THEN... I got a call out of the blue from a past employer... asking me to come back! How about them apples?! I went to meet with them and the first words out of the CEO's mouth were, "We have really come to appreciate you around here."
Let me tell you, after years of unemployment and underemployment... nothing sounds so sweet! It's work I enjoy, am great at, and really want to do so I'm pretty happy and fully employed for the first time in years.
THEN... just as I was ready to delve back into my blogging world - my Internet went down and it took me most of February to figure out the issue! I had three IT guys working on it!!
Now, I'm sure what you really want to know is - what's going on with McTwitchy?!!?!
Well, we had a couple of really lovely months leading up to his decision on the job offer in the Very Big City. He decided not to take the job. Which means he's staying here!
In the end we determined that he still has a lot to work out before he can really pursue a relationship. We had a wonderful discussion, and agreed that neither of us wanted to break up and never see one another again so we have decided to remain friends. I have a few of those, guys I've dated briefly, and retained as friends that I could never, ever do without. McTwitchy is in that category. He's a really good man.
So TRS is back on the dating scene... which should be great fodder for bloggy updates! My social life suffered while I was poor and unemployed... so you will also get updates on my efforts to be social again.
It's all.... This Season... on Single Solitary Things!!!
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Can I Get an App for That?
I was at the phone store today looking into an upgrade that I apparently should have installed in the first month that I owned my Smart Phone.
I figured it was time to bite the bullet, even if I have to lose some apps or reinstall them. The dude made heroic efforts to save my contacts before the upgrade so that I wouldn't lose all 230 people in my phone book - because, believe me, there is no way I would remember ANY of those numbers.
Finally, Dude announced that he had saved my contacts, but I would lose my text message history.
Lose my texts? My gut lurched. "Don't do it!"
Dude looked at me, quizzically. I glanced to the woman standing over my shoulder and said, "I have all these sweet texts from my guy. I'm not ready to part with them!"
She chuckled.
I reconsidered. Is this just another symptom of my pack rat mentality? That I'm not able to let go of things?
The woman and I reached the same conclusion at the same time. "That's all we have," she said, "It's not like we get letters any more."
I agreed. "It's certainly not like Pride & Prejudice, where I might have of stack of sweet nothings tied with pretty ribbon. They're in my phone!"
Dude said I'll have to wait until I print out my text thread. Can you do that? I demanded. No.
So now we wait until technology allows us to print out our text history. (are we sure we can't? - is it only on fictional Law & Order that text histories are admissible in court?)
So whoever has the tech ability to do so... please develop an app for modern day women to preserve their love letters! You can call the it the Pride & Prejudice App.
I figured it was time to bite the bullet, even if I have to lose some apps or reinstall them. The dude made heroic efforts to save my contacts before the upgrade so that I wouldn't lose all 230 people in my phone book - because, believe me, there is no way I would remember ANY of those numbers.
Finally, Dude announced that he had saved my contacts, but I would lose my text message history.
Lose my texts? My gut lurched. "Don't do it!"
Dude looked at me, quizzically. I glanced to the woman standing over my shoulder and said, "I have all these sweet texts from my guy. I'm not ready to part with them!"
She chuckled.
I reconsidered. Is this just another symptom of my pack rat mentality? That I'm not able to let go of things?
The woman and I reached the same conclusion at the same time. "That's all we have," she said, "It's not like we get letters any more."
I agreed. "It's certainly not like Pride & Prejudice, where I might have of stack of sweet nothings tied with pretty ribbon. They're in my phone!"
Dude said I'll have to wait until I print out my text thread. Can you do that? I demanded. No.So now we wait until technology allows us to print out our text history. (are we sure we can't? - is it only on fictional Law & Order that text histories are admissible in court?)
So whoever has the tech ability to do so... please develop an app for modern day women to preserve their love letters! You can call the it the Pride & Prejudice App.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Big Time
My friends are looking at me differently these days. They haven't seen me this happy in a while!
The other night at a little cocktail party - someone asked me about this guy she'd heard about. I filled her in on McTwitchy, all the while feeling that now familiar gigantic smile spread across my face! She couldn't help but notice... and asked, "Have you ever felt this way before?" I thought hard about my answer. I've felt giddy before. I've felt the twitterpaiting feelings of love before. Finally, my reply, "Not like this."
There's a new song playing these days:
and it makes me feel like a giddy, silly teenager thinking every word is about me... but I can honestly envision McTwitchy saying each word of each lyric to me. Even if he didn't - he still makes me feel that way. He makes me feel that beautiful.
He has already said most of it. That there is nothing about my looks that he would change. That he thinks I'm amazing. He appreciates my honesty, my support, who I am. And I him.
I'm just so happy with him in my life!
Prayers please, as he is headed to The Very Big City this week. It's time for The Big Decision. I pray that he makes a choice that is right for him, a decision that gives him peace as he's been living under a lot of stress lately.
The other night at a little cocktail party - someone asked me about this guy she'd heard about. I filled her in on McTwitchy, all the while feeling that now familiar gigantic smile spread across my face! She couldn't help but notice... and asked, "Have you ever felt this way before?" I thought hard about my answer. I've felt giddy before. I've felt the twitterpaiting feelings of love before. Finally, my reply, "Not like this."
There's a new song playing these days:
and it makes me feel like a giddy, silly teenager thinking every word is about me... but I can honestly envision McTwitchy saying each word of each lyric to me. Even if he didn't - he still makes me feel that way. He makes me feel that beautiful.
He has already said most of it. That there is nothing about my looks that he would change. That he thinks I'm amazing. He appreciates my honesty, my support, who I am. And I him.
I'm just so happy with him in my life!
Prayers please, as he is headed to The Very Big City this week. It's time for The Big Decision. I pray that he makes a choice that is right for him, a decision that gives him peace as he's been living under a lot of stress lately.
Friday, October 29, 2010
Expecting Rain
My priest recently told the story of a pastor of a rural church – in an agricultural community that relies on the earth and abundance for it’s economy.
They were suffering from severe drought – so one Sunday the pastor told his church that everyone should gather everyone they know, and come to church the following Tuesday, when they would all come together to pray for rain. Surely, if the entire community came together, God would answer their prayers.
Tuesday came, and the turn out was incredible. Everyone was there. The most amazing gathering ever. The crowd murmured, impressed with themselves.
But the pastor nearly felt defeated. He hung his head in his hands and said… “Oh, that we don’t all have the faith of our dear sister Alba!!”
The entire crowd turned to look at Miss Alba… the only person who bothered to bring an umbrella.
Personally, I have boiled the story down to remind myself… "If you’re going to pray for rain, have enough faith to carry an umbrella."
I shared that story a couple of weeks ago with McTwitchy - in reference to the great decision he has to make regarding the new job or keeping his business here.
I suggested that he determine what his Best Case Scenario is... then pray for that. But pray with the faith that God WILL make it happen.
Like me, McTwitchy is a bit rusty in his prayer life - so my suggestion is a real leap of faith for him. I don't know if he is praying or not - but I am.
Last week, McTwitchy called with news of a client meeting that left him speechless. This client who has not had work for him in a long while suddenly promises lots of business coming up! They need him! McTwitchy could barely register the information.
I found myself smiling from ear to ear as I recognized this as an obvious answer to prayer. I thought, "You can stay!" I also thought, "It's going to rain! I've got my umbrella!"
Still no definitive word on which way McTwitchy's decision will go.
We are truly enjoying this time together and I pray that whatever his decision - eventually he will decide he wants me at his side! I am crazy about this man. I am learning so much about him, it's like opening a different special gift every time I see him!
They were suffering from severe drought – so one Sunday the pastor told his church that everyone should gather everyone they know, and come to church the following Tuesday, when they would all come together to pray for rain. Surely, if the entire community came together, God would answer their prayers.
Tuesday came, and the turn out was incredible. Everyone was there. The most amazing gathering ever. The crowd murmured, impressed with themselves.
But the pastor nearly felt defeated. He hung his head in his hands and said… “Oh, that we don’t all have the faith of our dear sister Alba!!”
The entire crowd turned to look at Miss Alba… the only person who bothered to bring an umbrella.
Personally, I have boiled the story down to remind myself… "If you’re going to pray for rain, have enough faith to carry an umbrella."
My personal umbrella carrying is the mere fact that I am still dating!
I must believe that God has the ideal husband for me out there - or I would have
stopped dating years ago!
I shared that story a couple of weeks ago with McTwitchy - in reference to the great decision he has to make regarding the new job or keeping his business here.
I suggested that he determine what his Best Case Scenario is... then pray for that. But pray with the faith that God WILL make it happen.
Like me, McTwitchy is a bit rusty in his prayer life - so my suggestion is a real leap of faith for him. I don't know if he is praying or not - but I am.
Last week, McTwitchy called with news of a client meeting that left him speechless. This client who has not had work for him in a long while suddenly promises lots of business coming up! They need him! McTwitchy could barely register the information.
I found myself smiling from ear to ear as I recognized this as an obvious answer to prayer. I thought, "You can stay!" I also thought, "It's going to rain! I've got my umbrella!"
Still no definitive word on which way McTwitchy's decision will go.
We are truly enjoying this time together and I pray that whatever his decision - eventually he will decide he wants me at his side! I am crazy about this man. I am learning so much about him, it's like opening a different special gift every time I see him!
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Forgiveness
My attempts at seeking spiritual guidance have been less than fruitful.
A few years ago, I met with my parish priest to discuss forgiveness. You see, 25 years ago this month, my older sister was brutally murdered. Then 4 years ago the parole board let her murderer out of prison.
So I've been dealing with the concept of forgiving this man. It's a big job. Believe me. The only reason I can even consider it, is that I think my sister knew she would live a short life. When I think about her spirit, I'm sure she accepted her death. I can't tell you how I came to believe this but it does give me peace.
When I talked to my priest, he told me he thought that there are some things that are unforgivable - and this is probably one of them.
I don't like his answer. After all, God forgives all of us. Was he saying that even God wouldn't forgive my sister's murderer? I don't believe that is what the bible says. I mean, isn't that what the cross was all about?
McTwitchy and I were talking about this. He says he agrees with the priest - and that he can't imagine a heaven in which murderers, child-rapists and the like are in the same place as the rest of us.
Hmmm.
I see his point.
But I explained that I think we, mortal humans cannot comprehend the magnitude of God's grace. We won't possibly understand it until we see salvation.
We talked some more, McTwitchy asserting that even the greatest forgiveness couldn't possibly justify such deeds. Even God couldn't forgive the Jeffrey Dahmer's of the world.
That idea made me uncomfortable. I started to think, "I hope He does." I hope God's grace and forgiveness IS that big. Because if not... if God doesn't absolve the most atrocious sins... then my 'small' sins don't deserve forgiveness either.
I'm not saying that I can begin to imagine how big this grace, forgiveness and majesty is... but I think I do believe that it is big enough to forgive even the truly horrendous.
Do you?
A few years ago, I met with my parish priest to discuss forgiveness. You see, 25 years ago this month, my older sister was brutally murdered. Then 4 years ago the parole board let her murderer out of prison.
So I've been dealing with the concept of forgiving this man. It's a big job. Believe me. The only reason I can even consider it, is that I think my sister knew she would live a short life. When I think about her spirit, I'm sure she accepted her death. I can't tell you how I came to believe this but it does give me peace.
When I talked to my priest, he told me he thought that there are some things that are unforgivable - and this is probably one of them.
I don't like his answer. After all, God forgives all of us. Was he saying that even God wouldn't forgive my sister's murderer? I don't believe that is what the bible says. I mean, isn't that what the cross was all about?
McTwitchy and I were talking about this. He says he agrees with the priest - and that he can't imagine a heaven in which murderers, child-rapists and the like are in the same place as the rest of us.
Hmmm.
I see his point.
But I explained that I think we, mortal humans cannot comprehend the magnitude of God's grace. We won't possibly understand it until we see salvation.
We talked some more, McTwitchy asserting that even the greatest forgiveness couldn't possibly justify such deeds. Even God couldn't forgive the Jeffrey Dahmer's of the world.
That idea made me uncomfortable. I started to think, "I hope He does." I hope God's grace and forgiveness IS that big. Because if not... if God doesn't absolve the most atrocious sins... then my 'small' sins don't deserve forgiveness either.
I'm not saying that I can begin to imagine how big this grace, forgiveness and majesty is... but I think I do believe that it is big enough to forgive even the truly horrendous.
Do you?
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
McUpdate
Quick update.
We are making a valiant effort to see each other as much as we can - an the frequency of our visits has really jumped.
I am careful not to press him about his decision, as he doesn't need more pressure. I try to be very supportive of all the steps he is taking. He has noticed, and appreciates it. The other night when I made an off hand comment about not wanting to be a nag... (I'm very committed to never being a nag!) there was alarm in his voice when he said, "You could never be a nag. I can't even imagine it. You are so supportive."
I think he really is crazy about me... and I've had moments of thinking that I might be falling in love with him. But the complications could overwhelm all of that - and that is what I am afraid of.
I'm really working on leaving this in God's capable hands.
We are making a valiant effort to see each other as much as we can - an the frequency of our visits has really jumped.
I am careful not to press him about his decision, as he doesn't need more pressure. I try to be very supportive of all the steps he is taking. He has noticed, and appreciates it. The other night when I made an off hand comment about not wanting to be a nag... (I'm very committed to never being a nag!) there was alarm in his voice when he said, "You could never be a nag. I can't even imagine it. You are so supportive."
I think he really is crazy about me... and I've had moments of thinking that I might be falling in love with him. But the complications could overwhelm all of that - and that is what I am afraid of.
I'm really working on leaving this in God's capable hands.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Pressure Cooker
Turns out it does upset me.
Waiting so long between calls and visits that is.
My patience was wearing thin with just one phone call from McTwitchy while he was away this last time. Then when his flight was changed and he came back into town a day later and didn't contact me for almost an entire week - I was hurt and livid.
I'm prepared to write him off. This relationship is over.
I was ashamed of myself for calling and leaving a voicemail asking what was going on... referring to an email from him that seemed more appropriate for his Aunt Betty, than for a woman he's supposed to be dating. Seriously kicking myself. That wasn't cool.
When we finally talked, what he revealed - redeemed him in my eyes. And it turns out, leaving that voicemail was exactly what I needed to do. Totally the right thing.
See, I've been waiting with as much anticipation as he... to learn what the company behind his Big City Freelance Job was going to offer him. Now he had the answer, but wasn't sure how or what to tell me - so he simply kept putting it off. (his words)
Bottom line, he has a very good offer to work in the The Big City and a month to decide.
Talk about a pressure cooker! This isn't just about a job offer. This means shutting down the business he started and has run for the past 15 years. This means deciding between two very different lifestyles - Denver or the Very Big City. And finally, it does have something to do with me.
Already redeemed by having told me that he didn't know how to approach the subject with me... he told me he still wants to date me - with the risk of being the guy who strings me along just to move to The Very Big City.
I say, we owe it to ourselves to see what we really have here.
Here are the factors: We haven't been dating very long. We have not seen each other much in the time we have been dating. We are both over 40, which means 1) a level of maturity in knowing what we want 2) there's no sense ending something with potential even if we have half of this continent between us. But then again, it also means 3) I can't waste more time with something that isn't going to go anywhere.
Pressure Cooker.
Waiting so long between calls and visits that is.
My patience was wearing thin with just one phone call from McTwitchy while he was away this last time. Then when his flight was changed and he came back into town a day later and didn't contact me for almost an entire week - I was hurt and livid.
I'm prepared to write him off. This relationship is over.
I was ashamed of myself for calling and leaving a voicemail asking what was going on... referring to an email from him that seemed more appropriate for his Aunt Betty, than for a woman he's supposed to be dating. Seriously kicking myself. That wasn't cool.
When we finally talked, what he revealed - redeemed him in my eyes. And it turns out, leaving that voicemail was exactly what I needed to do. Totally the right thing.
See, I've been waiting with as much anticipation as he... to learn what the company behind his Big City Freelance Job was going to offer him. Now he had the answer, but wasn't sure how or what to tell me - so he simply kept putting it off. (his words)
Bottom line, he has a very good offer to work in the The Big City and a month to decide.
Talk about a pressure cooker! This isn't just about a job offer. This means shutting down the business he started and has run for the past 15 years. This means deciding between two very different lifestyles - Denver or the Very Big City. And finally, it does have something to do with me.
Already redeemed by having told me that he didn't know how to approach the subject with me... he told me he still wants to date me - with the risk of being the guy who strings me along just to move to The Very Big City.
I say, we owe it to ourselves to see what we really have here.
Here are the factors: We haven't been dating very long. We have not seen each other much in the time we have been dating. We are both over 40, which means 1) a level of maturity in knowing what we want 2) there's no sense ending something with potential even if we have half of this continent between us. But then again, it also means 3) I can't waste more time with something that isn't going to go anywhere.
Pressure Cooker.
Friday, September 10, 2010
Domesticated
Homemade pizza with spinach, peppers, artichoke, olives and white sauce.
Pork loin medallions with rice, pineapple and green peppers.
Then pork chops with a fresh squash and zucchini pasta.
These are the dinners I have made for McTwitchy on the rare occasions he is back home from his Big City Freelance Job. I don't even care if he's lying when he makes delighted eating noises and says, "This is fantastic hon." or even "Don't take this the wrong way, but you can cook for me any time!"
He likes my cooking. I like my cooking.
All my friends tease me because I never cook - but it's just because I don't care for the work. Or waiting to eat for that matter.
I hate the idea of waiting 45 minutes to an hour for food to cook when I'm hungry NOW! Therefore I typically eat way too much frozen food.
In making these meals I've found myself thinking... This isn't hard. Why don't I cook more often? McTwitchy understands me so well, because he thinks the same way. He told me he understands why... because cooking just dirties dishes. It's not as satisfying to go through the trouble for just yourself.
But cooking and sharing these meals with him has been great. Because he is there to eat at least one portion... I still have the advantage of leftovers - but not the disadvantage of having to eat the same thing four days in a row! (I hate that!)
My friend's husband says this is the 'Bait and Switch' segment of courtship! I laughed, but defended myself saying, "I've always said I would cook if I had someone to cook for. And if I didn't have to do dishes. Right now I have that!"
McTwitchy is both. Someone to cook for - and the one who does dishes, cheerfully! If that continues to be our deal... I cook, he washes... I don't see a problem getting tired of that.
Pork loin medallions with rice, pineapple and green peppers.
Then pork chops with a fresh squash and zucchini pasta.
These are the dinners I have made for McTwitchy on the rare occasions he is back home from his Big City Freelance Job. I don't even care if he's lying when he makes delighted eating noises and says, "This is fantastic hon." or even "Don't take this the wrong way, but you can cook for me any time!"
He likes my cooking. I like my cooking.
All my friends tease me because I never cook - but it's just because I don't care for the work. Or waiting to eat for that matter.
I hate the idea of waiting 45 minutes to an hour for food to cook when I'm hungry NOW! Therefore I typically eat way too much frozen food.
In making these meals I've found myself thinking... This isn't hard. Why don't I cook more often? McTwitchy understands me so well, because he thinks the same way. He told me he understands why... because cooking just dirties dishes. It's not as satisfying to go through the trouble for just yourself.
But cooking and sharing these meals with him has been great. Because he is there to eat at least one portion... I still have the advantage of leftovers - but not the disadvantage of having to eat the same thing four days in a row! (I hate that!)
My friend's husband says this is the 'Bait and Switch' segment of courtship! I laughed, but defended myself saying, "I've always said I would cook if I had someone to cook for. And if I didn't have to do dishes. Right now I have that!"
McTwitchy is both. Someone to cook for - and the one who does dishes, cheerfully! If that continues to be our deal... I cook, he washes... I don't see a problem getting tired of that.
Monday, August 23, 2010
Attention!
I readily admit that I require attention.
Come on, I was the youngest child of three - obviously I never got enough attention to begin with!
I recognize that need for attention can be overwhelming for a man - and in dating, it's something I try to work on. I'm certainly not an attention wh*r#, but I do like to know that I'm on someones mind. A glance at my mobile phone showing no texts or missed calls can make me pout a bit.
So it's really interesting to realize that while McTwitchy is out of town (across the country - and going into week three now) I can text him and wait two to three days for a response... and it doesn't upset me.
Sure, my lower lip might stick out, but since he can't see that - it's okay... and overall I'm not upset about it. He's freelancing for a new company and the work is very hands on, so I understand. I also understand that his personality is similar to mine, in that when he is submerged in something he puts all distractions away - he won't even look at his phone until he has at least two hours to deal with it.
This may not sound like much - until I realized that this is new to me.
I am really frustrated with comparing so much with McTwitchy to that with Mr. Burns... but when you've given three years of your life to someone - their behavior can stick with you a while.
Besides, these comparisons always put McTwitchy ahead - and I've learned that Mr. Burns makes me appreciate McTwitchy all the more.
With Mr. Burns, I had a bit of anxiety about hearing from him even though he called frequently. If he was out of town we probably talked twice a day.
Seeing that I'm okay with McTwitchy taking two days to respond to a text has taught me that the difference is... I don't have anxiety over how McTwitchy feels about me. I am secure about that - even though we have not 'declared' anything about our relationship. When I do hear from him, it's something sweet or reassuring. I really feel that he's thinking about me.
Conversely, I never felt secure about how Mr. Burns felt about me. I was always looking for confirmation of our relationship. Burns withheld terms like, "I miss you." or even uttering the word 'Love' whether it was directed toward me or not.
Once, while I was driving him to the airport he told me not to be upset if he didn't call me while he was gone. Needless to say that didn't sit well with me. I told him I wouldn't be upset, I would just know that he wasn't thinking about me - and draw my conclusions from that!
When McTwitchy texted me the anticipated schedule for his return, he wrote that he needed some "____ love" which would have to wait another week. (don't worry - nothing dirty - just not worth typing without including a lengthy explanation) It wasn't until Kikr pointed out to me that he'd used the word 'love' nonchalantly - thereby distancing himself in leaps and bounds from Mr. B, that I even noticed!
The difference really is that McTwitchy is comfortable in his own skin. He has no pretenses... he's just himself... which is just like me. And he's a grownup.
And I LOVE that!
Come on, I was the youngest child of three - obviously I never got enough attention to begin with!
I recognize that need for attention can be overwhelming for a man - and in dating, it's something I try to work on. I'm certainly not an attention wh*r#, but I do like to know that I'm on someones mind. A glance at my mobile phone showing no texts or missed calls can make me pout a bit.
So it's really interesting to realize that while McTwitchy is out of town (across the country - and going into week three now) I can text him and wait two to three days for a response... and it doesn't upset me.
Sure, my lower lip might stick out, but since he can't see that - it's okay... and overall I'm not upset about it. He's freelancing for a new company and the work is very hands on, so I understand. I also understand that his personality is similar to mine, in that when he is submerged in something he puts all distractions away - he won't even look at his phone until he has at least two hours to deal with it.
This may not sound like much - until I realized that this is new to me.
I am really frustrated with comparing so much with McTwitchy to that with Mr. Burns... but when you've given three years of your life to someone - their behavior can stick with you a while.
Besides, these comparisons always put McTwitchy ahead - and I've learned that Mr. Burns makes me appreciate McTwitchy all the more.
With Mr. Burns, I had a bit of anxiety about hearing from him even though he called frequently. If he was out of town we probably talked twice a day.
Seeing that I'm okay with McTwitchy taking two days to respond to a text has taught me that the difference is... I don't have anxiety over how McTwitchy feels about me. I am secure about that - even though we have not 'declared' anything about our relationship. When I do hear from him, it's something sweet or reassuring. I really feel that he's thinking about me.
Conversely, I never felt secure about how Mr. Burns felt about me. I was always looking for confirmation of our relationship. Burns withheld terms like, "I miss you." or even uttering the word 'Love' whether it was directed toward me or not.
Once, while I was driving him to the airport he told me not to be upset if he didn't call me while he was gone. Needless to say that didn't sit well with me. I told him I wouldn't be upset, I would just know that he wasn't thinking about me - and draw my conclusions from that!
When McTwitchy texted me the anticipated schedule for his return, he wrote that he needed some "____ love" which would have to wait another week. (don't worry - nothing dirty - just not worth typing without including a lengthy explanation) It wasn't until Kikr pointed out to me that he'd used the word 'love' nonchalantly - thereby distancing himself in leaps and bounds from Mr. B, that I even noticed!
The difference really is that McTwitchy is comfortable in his own skin. He has no pretenses... he's just himself... which is just like me. And he's a grownup.
And I LOVE that!
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Love and Loving
Many years ago - before the emergence of Facebook and Blogs - I participated in an online forum for those in the media industry.
It was where we went to vent about crazy viewers, reluctant sources and grouchy assignment editors to name a few topics.
Sometimes the conversations got personal. Because it was a place where you could gather many opinions from a variety of people - some folks would toss out a relationship issue or two just to see what other people thought, for validation or discernment.
Let me tell you, I was amazed at what I learned. Men were very forthright about what they thought and what they expected. Sometimes it was shocking, from the "Gee, and I thought I dated @-holes." point of view.
These years later, one exchange still sits with me. Somewhere in the thread someone offered, "If he doesn't love you the way you need to be loved, you're going to have to move on."
A young man piped in, saying, "That doesn't seem right. What if I love someone as much as I am capable of at the moment and it's not enough for her? Does that mean I don't love her? I do. She should just give up on me?"
I don't remember how it went after that. But I think about it every now and then.
Today, I think I have the answer.
See, a friend pointed out that McTwitchy speaks my Love Language. Even more so, it looks like our love languages may be the same, maybe even the same dialect! In the case of Words of Affirmation, it meant a lot to me that he told me he missed me. Truthfully, it sent me over the moon!
I recognize too that it means a lot to me, because I never heard those words, not ONCE from Mr. Burns over three years. Okay, maybe once or twice - but come on!
So that got me thinking about all the effort that I put into that relationship with Mr. Burns - and how it's so clear now that it was never meant to be. I realize now that he couldn't tell me he missed me - because he didn't. He couldn't tell me he loved me - because he didn't. Imagine his frustration when I was more-or-less demanding these things from him and he couldn't even understand those emotions!!?
But you know what - he maybe did love me. Just not how I need to be loved.
I need to be accepted. I need to be cherished. With ease.
Instead, I was told how he wanted me to be (and I'm sure I did the same to him.)
The bottom line, I think - is that someone may love you, but if it's not in the way you need to be loved, you are going to be disappointed. Maybe even miserable.
It doesn't mean that their love isn't valuable or meaningful. It just means that it's not for you.
It's sad. It's heartbreaking.
But you deserve the love of your life.
I deserve someone who loves to hear me laugh, no matter what I'm laughing at. I deserve someone who lets the little things roll off their back. Someone who accepts my explanation for why or how without having to nitpick it to death or demand that we agree on it.
So far, McTwitchy offers me that. The relationship is easy, and comfortable. I understand he may not end up being The One - but he sure is good practice!
We laugh at the same things. He doesn't shy away from my hugs (Mr. B would shrug me off if I clung too long ~ There's another sign ladies!!!) He constantly alludes to my good looks and good figure - and I don't even care if he's making it up!! (Which is a welcome change from someone who kept telling me what to improve.)
It all points to a person who maybe loves me the way I need to be loved. He sure is liking me the right way.
It was where we went to vent about crazy viewers, reluctant sources and grouchy assignment editors to name a few topics.
Sometimes the conversations got personal. Because it was a place where you could gather many opinions from a variety of people - some folks would toss out a relationship issue or two just to see what other people thought, for validation or discernment.
Let me tell you, I was amazed at what I learned. Men were very forthright about what they thought and what they expected. Sometimes it was shocking, from the "Gee, and I thought I dated @-holes." point of view.
These years later, one exchange still sits with me. Somewhere in the thread someone offered, "If he doesn't love you the way you need to be loved, you're going to have to move on."
A young man piped in, saying, "That doesn't seem right. What if I love someone as much as I am capable of at the moment and it's not enough for her? Does that mean I don't love her? I do. She should just give up on me?"
I don't remember how it went after that. But I think about it every now and then.
Today, I think I have the answer.
See, a friend pointed out that McTwitchy speaks my Love Language. Even more so, it looks like our love languages may be the same, maybe even the same dialect! In the case of Words of Affirmation, it meant a lot to me that he told me he missed me. Truthfully, it sent me over the moon!
I recognize too that it means a lot to me, because I never heard those words, not ONCE from Mr. Burns over three years. Okay, maybe once or twice - but come on!
So that got me thinking about all the effort that I put into that relationship with Mr. Burns - and how it's so clear now that it was never meant to be. I realize now that he couldn't tell me he missed me - because he didn't. He couldn't tell me he loved me - because he didn't. Imagine his frustration when I was more-or-less demanding these things from him and he couldn't even understand those emotions!!?
But you know what - he maybe did love me. Just not how I need to be loved.
I need to be accepted. I need to be cherished. With ease.
Instead, I was told how he wanted me to be (and I'm sure I did the same to him.)
- On an airplane, he wanted me to read the Bible instead of a fitness magazine. I'm obviously not opposed to reading the Bible, but on an airplane I want recreational reading. I felt he judged me for that.I asked Mr. Burns to read the Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. He did, and it seemed as though he got it. Although when we discussed it, he tried to tell me that my love languages were not what I thought they were. Ladies... there's your sign!
- If I was cracking up over a stupid joke, he just looked at me as if he were embarrassed - of me and for me! I want someone who just loves the fact that I'm laughing.
The bottom line, I think - is that someone may love you, but if it's not in the way you need to be loved, you are going to be disappointed. Maybe even miserable.
It doesn't mean that their love isn't valuable or meaningful. It just means that it's not for you.
It's sad. It's heartbreaking.
But you deserve the love of your life.
I deserve someone who loves to hear me laugh, no matter what I'm laughing at. I deserve someone who lets the little things roll off their back. Someone who accepts my explanation for why or how without having to nitpick it to death or demand that we agree on it.
So far, McTwitchy offers me that. The relationship is easy, and comfortable. I understand he may not end up being The One - but he sure is good practice!
We laugh at the same things. He doesn't shy away from my hugs (Mr. B would shrug me off if I clung too long ~ There's another sign ladies!!!) He constantly alludes to my good looks and good figure - and I don't even care if he's making it up!! (Which is a welcome change from someone who kept telling me what to improve.)
It all points to a person who maybe loves me the way I need to be loved. He sure is liking me the right way.
Monday, August 16, 2010
They Get Me Every Time!
Amazon.com that is.
I go there to order something that I can't find here... and they suck me in with their Supersaver Shipping!
Orders over $30 can qualify for free shipping - so I'll easily spend an extra $5-$10 to save $5 in shipping. Who wouldn't? Kikr and I both get sucked into this one.
So today, I went to Amazon to find refill razor blades that I suspect have been discontinued just to make my life more difficult. I have two (COUNT THEM, 2!) Schick Silk Effects razors... but now their refill blades seem to be discontinued and replaced with Intuition - whose blades don't fit the Silk Effects. Well, considering that I am broke... I'm not about to buy a whole new shaving system. Plus, I've always been happy with Silk Effects. Plus, plus... what am I gonna do - just toss two razors into the landfill for no good reason?
Off to Amazon I go to get a supply of 20 blades which should last me a while. That's $22. Plus $5 shipping. If I spend $8 on something else, it ships for free and I would rather my money go toward something useful rather than to pay just to get it here. Also, they're going to put this tiny package of razors in a box at least twice it's size... let's make it worth the trouble!
I troll around, knowing I don't really need anything nor should I buy anything... so I decide on a copy of Selah's Christmas CD, titled Rose of Bethlehem.
I already have it. It is my favorite Christmas CD EVER - because it's about GUESS WHAT - CHRIST!
I figure I'll want to give it as a gift to someone this Christmas so I may as well get it now!
And that is how I started my Christmas shopping in August this year!
What does Supersaver Shipping suck you into buying?
I go there to order something that I can't find here... and they suck me in with their Supersaver Shipping!
Orders over $30 can qualify for free shipping - so I'll easily spend an extra $5-$10 to save $5 in shipping. Who wouldn't? Kikr and I both get sucked into this one.
So today, I went to Amazon to find refill razor blades that I suspect have been discontinued just to make my life more difficult. I have two (COUNT THEM, 2!) Schick Silk Effects razors... but now their refill blades seem to be discontinued and replaced with Intuition - whose blades don't fit the Silk Effects. Well, considering that I am broke... I'm not about to buy a whole new shaving system. Plus, I've always been happy with Silk Effects. Plus, plus... what am I gonna do - just toss two razors into the landfill for no good reason?
Off to Amazon I go to get a supply of 20 blades which should last me a while. That's $22. Plus $5 shipping. If I spend $8 on something else, it ships for free and I would rather my money go toward something useful rather than to pay just to get it here. Also, they're going to put this tiny package of razors in a box at least twice it's size... let's make it worth the trouble!
I troll around, knowing I don't really need anything nor should I buy anything... so I decide on a copy of Selah's Christmas CD, titled Rose of Bethlehem.
I already have it. It is my favorite Christmas CD EVER - because it's about GUESS WHAT - CHRIST!I figure I'll want to give it as a gift to someone this Christmas so I may as well get it now!
And that is how I started my Christmas shopping in August this year!
What does Supersaver Shipping suck you into buying?
Thursday, August 12, 2010
What I Don't Want to Be
I have seen a potential future... and it has scared me.
or scarred me. Yikes.
I admit that I don't get out enough. Another under-employed friend of mine suffers the same problem. It's hard to go out because you know you'll buy a drink, or even just a soda, maybe an appetizer - all at an inflated price - so it's easier to just stay home and not spend money.
The other night we decided to get out met real live people. A certain establishment in Denver sponsors a free concert each week during the summer so we went there.
This establishment is also known for being the number one Cougar hang-out in the city. Let me tell you, this place was Cougar-ville. And Cougar-ville doesn't look anything like Courtney Cox!
My friend and I arrived at the patio - concert atmosphere and she noted that for once in the past year, she felt really young!
I looked around and all I saw was OLD.
I hate saying that because old does not equal BAD. Allow me to explain by sharing my thought process.
I looked around and saw all these older men. Some of them looked pretty good. Most of them did not. I wish it were not true but I am just not attracted to older men.
Though I will admit that in my 20s I found actor Craig T. Nelson extremely attractive - but let's face it... back then he was about the age I am now!
But more concerning to me, were the cougars themselves. Decked out in outfits meant for someone 20 years younger - obvious make-up plastered on their tight-post-plastic surgery faces... and still prowling for a man.
My mind flashed to myself in 7 to 10 more years. I pitied these women.
The same as I pity the paunchy 60-year-old divorced men out there still prowling for a mate.
I don't want to become that.
Sure - their single status may be the result of a divorce, or even an untimely death - but I find it so sad when these old coots are still out pursuing women... especially if they are cruising woman 20 years their junior.
Oh my, I sound so judgmental!!! And I don't want to be!
But most of all, I don't want to be a lonely old woman still searching for love after my crow's feet are deeper and my butt is even flatter.
Honestly, I can't afford the plastic surgery it would require to enhance my boobs and tweak my face... and I wouldn't want to invest in that anyway.
I'm 40 and I need to find my love now!
(what great relief to hear from McTwitchy the next day ... who is out of town and messaged that he misses me! Whew.)
or scarred me. Yikes.
I admit that I don't get out enough. Another under-employed friend of mine suffers the same problem. It's hard to go out because you know you'll buy a drink, or even just a soda, maybe an appetizer - all at an inflated price - so it's easier to just stay home and not spend money.
The other night we decided to get out met real live people. A certain establishment in Denver sponsors a free concert each week during the summer so we went there.
This establishment is also known for being the number one Cougar hang-out in the city. Let me tell you, this place was Cougar-ville. And Cougar-ville doesn't look anything like Courtney Cox!
My friend and I arrived at the patio - concert atmosphere and she noted that for once in the past year, she felt really young!
I looked around and all I saw was OLD.
I hate saying that because old does not equal BAD. Allow me to explain by sharing my thought process.
I looked around and saw all these older men. Some of them looked pretty good. Most of them did not. I wish it were not true but I am just not attracted to older men.
Though I will admit that in my 20s I found actor Craig T. Nelson extremely attractive - but let's face it... back then he was about the age I am now!
But more concerning to me, were the cougars themselves. Decked out in outfits meant for someone 20 years younger - obvious make-up plastered on their tight-post-plastic surgery faces... and still prowling for a man.
My mind flashed to myself in 7 to 10 more years. I pitied these women.
The same as I pity the paunchy 60-year-old divorced men out there still prowling for a mate.
I don't want to become that.
Sure - their single status may be the result of a divorce, or even an untimely death - but I find it so sad when these old coots are still out pursuing women... especially if they are cruising woman 20 years their junior.
Oh my, I sound so judgmental!!! And I don't want to be!
But most of all, I don't want to be a lonely old woman still searching for love after my crow's feet are deeper and my butt is even flatter.
Honestly, I can't afford the plastic surgery it would require to enhance my boobs and tweak my face... and I wouldn't want to invest in that anyway.
I'm 40 and I need to find my love now!
(what great relief to hear from McTwitchy the next day ... who is out of town and messaged that he misses me! Whew.)
Monday, August 09, 2010
Bad Timing and Great People
I've been turning something over and over in my head.
It's part of a conversation I had with McTwitchy - we were talking about timing - and how we're both in tough places career-wise. He questioned the wisdom of starting a relationship right now. I understand what he is saying.
My response asserted that when you find someone that you can really connect with, you have to see how it goes. I mean, why be alone your entire life just because of bad timing?
He said, "Yes, but there are a lot of great people out there." Suggesting that you don't get just one shot.
This astounded me. I had to bite my tongue to keep from saying, "No there are not!!"
Where are all these great people he's talking about? Is he saying that I'm not that special? I was completely bewildered. What IS he talking about?
Finally it occurred to me: OH! HE'S NOT DATING MEN. HE'S DATING WOMEN! He has a completely different perspective!
From where he stands there are a lot of really great people out there. Plus, he can date anyone 5 years older than him to 20 years younger. His pool is deep and wide.
And in general - just nicer people.
From where I stand... not so much! Sure, I can date the same age range - but I don't want to!
20 years younger than me is younger than my nephew! Yuck!
5 years older than me is - well old. And divorced. And paunchy, old, womanizer-type men. Not to mention the young womanizer-type men.
Oh, the inequity!
It's part of a conversation I had with McTwitchy - we were talking about timing - and how we're both in tough places career-wise. He questioned the wisdom of starting a relationship right now. I understand what he is saying.
My response asserted that when you find someone that you can really connect with, you have to see how it goes. I mean, why be alone your entire life just because of bad timing?
He said, "Yes, but there are a lot of great people out there." Suggesting that you don't get just one shot.
This astounded me. I had to bite my tongue to keep from saying, "No there are not!!"
Where are all these great people he's talking about? Is he saying that I'm not that special? I was completely bewildered. What IS he talking about?
Finally it occurred to me: OH! HE'S NOT DATING MEN. HE'S DATING WOMEN! He has a completely different perspective!
From where he stands there are a lot of really great people out there. Plus, he can date anyone 5 years older than him to 20 years younger. His pool is deep and wide.
And in general - just nicer people.
From where I stand... not so much! Sure, I can date the same age range - but I don't want to!
20 years younger than me is younger than my nephew! Yuck!
5 years older than me is - well old. And divorced. And paunchy, old, womanizer-type men. Not to mention the young womanizer-type men.
Oh, the inequity!
Monday, August 02, 2010
What Got Me Here
A friend of mine is dating a new guy - they had three dates in three days, complete twitterpation, with no plans to slow down.
A few days later I text-ed her a smirky inquiry, "How's the guy?" Her response, "Meh."
So when I saw her this weekend, I got the lowdown. He seems insecure and moody.
Red flag.
Suddenly, I feel like I know everything.
"I've dated insecure and moody. It doesn't go well. If you want to give it more time, go ahead - but be prepared to end it."
We talked some more, and I asked if she was walking on eggshells around him. Yes.
Oh dear. It's not going to get better.
I'm afraid that smug, "I'm in a great relationship." attitude is about to take over and I'm a bit shocked by it.
I know now that we all want to be with someone where you never have to edit your thoughts and words. With whom you can just be. Comfortable.
I told her that with McTwitchy, there are no eggshells. We each can say anything we're thinking and it is accepted. Even if it's not agreed upon. (I had that with one other guy - and would have waited my entire life to find it again. It wasn't Mr. Burns btw!)
I made dinner Thursday night for McTwitchy and me. I had just barely cleared the table when he started the dishes - CHEERFULLY!
What a difference! I hate comparing him to Mr. Burns but - Mr. B would have done the dishes while making a big fuss over how great he was for doing so.
I told another friend about a scenario in which McTwitchy was not only a good sport, but calm and cool and practical. All the while, showing me concern and affection.
When the comparison to Mr. Burns came up she said, "Mr. Burns prepared you for McTwitchy."
Oh my! Did he!
My instant response, "Yes! So that I could appreciate McTwitchy all the more."
He's sweet, and calm. Affectionate and kind. Thoughtful if not a little scattered. (that's okay) He's stressed and vulnerable but man enough to share his worries with me, knowing that I'm not judging him.
He's funny and thinks I'm funny too. He thinks I'm beautiful. He thinks I'm wonderful. He thinks I look like a model!! Ha!
He is himself with me, and I with him. I really like who he is.
And as I'm about to enter Smug Relationship Mode - I am bolstered by the song I discovered only a couple years ago when I first discovered the group Selah. This song became my inspiration to carry on with finding love.
The above link will take you to Grooveshark.com to listen to the song. Be patient and sit through the opening page - you don't have to sign up for anything!!
A few days later I text-ed her a smirky inquiry, "How's the guy?" Her response, "Meh."
So when I saw her this weekend, I got the lowdown. He seems insecure and moody.
Red flag.
Suddenly, I feel like I know everything.
"I've dated insecure and moody. It doesn't go well. If you want to give it more time, go ahead - but be prepared to end it."
We talked some more, and I asked if she was walking on eggshells around him. Yes.
Oh dear. It's not going to get better.
I'm afraid that smug, "I'm in a great relationship." attitude is about to take over and I'm a bit shocked by it.
I know now that we all want to be with someone where you never have to edit your thoughts and words. With whom you can just be. Comfortable.
I told her that with McTwitchy, there are no eggshells. We each can say anything we're thinking and it is accepted. Even if it's not agreed upon. (I had that with one other guy - and would have waited my entire life to find it again. It wasn't Mr. Burns btw!)
I made dinner Thursday night for McTwitchy and me. I had just barely cleared the table when he started the dishes - CHEERFULLY!
What a difference! I hate comparing him to Mr. Burns but - Mr. B would have done the dishes while making a big fuss over how great he was for doing so.
I told another friend about a scenario in which McTwitchy was not only a good sport, but calm and cool and practical. All the while, showing me concern and affection.
When the comparison to Mr. Burns came up she said, "Mr. Burns prepared you for McTwitchy."
Oh my! Did he!
My instant response, "Yes! So that I could appreciate McTwitchy all the more."
He's sweet, and calm. Affectionate and kind. Thoughtful if not a little scattered. (that's okay) He's stressed and vulnerable but man enough to share his worries with me, knowing that I'm not judging him.
He's funny and thinks I'm funny too. He thinks I'm beautiful. He thinks I'm wonderful. He thinks I look like a model!! Ha!
He is himself with me, and I with him. I really like who he is.
And as I'm about to enter Smug Relationship Mode - I am bolstered by the song I discovered only a couple years ago when I first discovered the group Selah. This song became my inspiration to carry on with finding love.
Bless the Broken Road
The specific lines:
Every long lost dream
Led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart
They were just Northern Stars
Pointing me on my way
Into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
and led me straight to you
The above link will take you to Grooveshark.com to listen to the song. Be patient and sit through the opening page - you don't have to sign up for anything!!
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Buble
I'm sure most people are sick of it... but just after my final break-up with Mr. B - that Michael Buble song was just released.
I loved the catchy tune and the hopeful message that someone is just around around the corner - I Just Haven't Met You Yet. World's cutest video too BTW.
It was good for me. (Just like after the first break-up, Beyonce helped me out with Single Ladies!!)
I met McTwitchy pretty quickly after I was suddenly single and I was very surprised at how much I liked him. I even told him that I hadn't expected to like him. That of course was very confusing to him. Some things are better left unsaid!
As a girl, I sometimes look for meaning in things that really have no connection to anything. Can you relate? So, when every time I thought about McTwitchy - the Buble song came on (despite the reality that it was just horrendously over-played) I wondered if it meant that I had met the guy... or maybe he's NOT the guy for me and I haven't met him yet?!
Oh my. What's a girl to do?
I decided it didn't mean anything. After all the song is in heavy rotation to the point of ridiculous. I even said a prayer telling God that if He's trying to give me any signs... please don't do it through that song! I'm too confused.
Then McTwitchy and I went our separate ways ( decided maybe that was God's sign!) and I decided I still liked the song.
Finally, it decreased in rotation. I only heard it about once a day instead of seven!
So I thought it was funny when I went out with McTwitchy after two months separation... and a couple hours into our date, I Just Haven't Met You Yet suddenly blared over the Pub speakers. It was my turn to talk - and I couldn't even concentrate because each lyric just rolled around in my head!
It brought a huge smile to my face, which brought a smile to McTwitchy's face even though he didn't know why.
I'm not assigning any meaning to it.
I just thought it was cute.
I loved the catchy tune and the hopeful message that someone is just around around the corner - I Just Haven't Met You Yet. World's cutest video too BTW.
It was good for me. (Just like after the first break-up, Beyonce helped me out with Single Ladies!!)
I met McTwitchy pretty quickly after I was suddenly single and I was very surprised at how much I liked him. I even told him that I hadn't expected to like him. That of course was very confusing to him. Some things are better left unsaid!
As a girl, I sometimes look for meaning in things that really have no connection to anything. Can you relate? So, when every time I thought about McTwitchy - the Buble song came on (despite the reality that it was just horrendously over-played) I wondered if it meant that I had met the guy... or maybe he's NOT the guy for me and I haven't met him yet?!
Oh my. What's a girl to do?
I decided it didn't mean anything. After all the song is in heavy rotation to the point of ridiculous. I even said a prayer telling God that if He's trying to give me any signs... please don't do it through that song! I'm too confused.
Then McTwitchy and I went our separate ways ( decided maybe that was God's sign!) and I decided I still liked the song.
Finally, it decreased in rotation. I only heard it about once a day instead of seven!
So I thought it was funny when I went out with McTwitchy after two months separation... and a couple hours into our date, I Just Haven't Met You Yet suddenly blared over the Pub speakers. It was my turn to talk - and I couldn't even concentrate because each lyric just rolled around in my head!
It brought a huge smile to my face, which brought a smile to McTwitchy's face even though he didn't know why.
I'm not assigning any meaning to it.
I just thought it was cute.
Monday, July 19, 2010
Chances
Everyone deserves a second chance.
A very rare few deserve a third.
It's not the first time this has happened.
Not the first time that I've dated a guy and it ends, only to have the guy turn up later... usually within a month or two, asking to try again.
I actually counted on my fingers (because I am mathematically challenged) ... five times in the past 17 years of dating. (I'm not counting all of my years of dating - because I'm starting with the first time it happened)
First when I was about 23 or 24. It wasn't that we didn't like each other. It was more that we liked each other plenty and it was difficult to remain chaste. The nice Christian guy told me that he realized he didn't know what he had until I was gone.
I was young and inexperienced at dating... and I couldn't get passed the idea that I had just spent a month or so conditioning myself not to like him. He didn't get a second chance. (My mom scolded me for that one.)
The next time I was 30. It was The Caveman (whose nick name comes from his outdoorsy, hunting nature and desire for solitude -NOT- any particular political ideas.). He was obviously a country mouse and I am a city mouse. He offered to change. I told him he shouldn't have to change. He should find someone who loves all those things about him. I'm quite certain he did.
Then came John-with-two-dogs. Our relationship never really got off the ground to begin with. He loved golf and his two dogs more than any woman. His call really did come from out of the blue. Could he try again? By this time I thought perhaps I made hasty decisions with the first two guys that asked for a second chance -- so John-with-two-dogs got a second chance. It ended awkwardly.
Then of course Mr. Burns.
Now McTwitchy.
So I wonder... does this suggest that I'm a good catch, a fun girl, who is hard to appreciate the first time around? Or does it suggest that I'm difficult to begin with? That I'm simply unforgettable?
Who knows!?
I could learn from those past experiences and I believe I have.
I could worry that it won't work with McTwitchy. But I have confidence in this one.
McTwitchy tells me he knew he couldn't spend the sort of time with me that I indicated I would like. He was going to be traveling frequently for one aspect of his work.
In his words, "I can't date her if I'm not even going to be here."
Now that I know how much he actually was gone - he was right. I may have been very frustrated. I probably would have gotten fed up and given up on him.
So maybe it's good that we got the break.
It was enough for him to know that he really did miss me. That he really does like me.
And it was good for me to see that I actually like him for being McTwitchy ... and not just because he was a nice, Catholic guy whom I found attractive - immediately after the Mr. Burns Breakup Part II.
Now we both know and appreciate how comfortable our little relationship is.
I knew it in May. He figured it out in July.
The BIG question is how this time/availability issue is going to work out.
I'm smart enough to know I can't expect him to change.
But being secure about how he feels about me - I can have more patience - and he can have more confidence.
We shall see!
A very rare few deserve a third.
It's not the first time this has happened.
Not the first time that I've dated a guy and it ends, only to have the guy turn up later... usually within a month or two, asking to try again.
I actually counted on my fingers (because I am mathematically challenged) ... five times in the past 17 years of dating. (I'm not counting all of my years of dating - because I'm starting with the first time it happened)
First when I was about 23 or 24. It wasn't that we didn't like each other. It was more that we liked each other plenty and it was difficult to remain chaste. The nice Christian guy told me that he realized he didn't know what he had until I was gone.
I was young and inexperienced at dating... and I couldn't get passed the idea that I had just spent a month or so conditioning myself not to like him. He didn't get a second chance. (My mom scolded me for that one.)
The next time I was 30. It was The Caveman (whose nick name comes from his outdoorsy, hunting nature and desire for solitude -NOT- any particular political ideas.). He was obviously a country mouse and I am a city mouse. He offered to change. I told him he shouldn't have to change. He should find someone who loves all those things about him. I'm quite certain he did.
Then came John-with-two-dogs. Our relationship never really got off the ground to begin with. He loved golf and his two dogs more than any woman. His call really did come from out of the blue. Could he try again? By this time I thought perhaps I made hasty decisions with the first two guys that asked for a second chance -- so John-with-two-dogs got a second chance. It ended awkwardly.
Then of course Mr. Burns.
Now McTwitchy.
So I wonder... does this suggest that I'm a good catch, a fun girl, who is hard to appreciate the first time around? Or does it suggest that I'm difficult to begin with? That I'm simply unforgettable?
Who knows!?
I could learn from those past experiences and I believe I have.
I could worry that it won't work with McTwitchy. But I have confidence in this one.
McTwitchy tells me he knew he couldn't spend the sort of time with me that I indicated I would like. He was going to be traveling frequently for one aspect of his work.
In his words, "I can't date her if I'm not even going to be here."
Now that I know how much he actually was gone - he was right. I may have been very frustrated. I probably would have gotten fed up and given up on him.
So maybe it's good that we got the break.
It was enough for him to know that he really did miss me. That he really does like me.
And it was good for me to see that I actually like him for being McTwitchy ... and not just because he was a nice, Catholic guy whom I found attractive - immediately after the Mr. Burns Breakup Part II.
Now we both know and appreciate how comfortable our little relationship is.
I knew it in May. He figured it out in July.
The BIG question is how this time/availability issue is going to work out.
I'm smart enough to know I can't expect him to change.
But being secure about how he feels about me - I can have more patience - and he can have more confidence.
We shall see!
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Dear Pablo,
End of discussion.Homosexuality may be a sin. But the bottom line is, God still doesn't hate gay people. No way. No how.
If you can't get used to the idea - you'd better get used to the heat. It will be very warm where you're going.
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Something Special
So it was nearly out of the blue.
As I sat in my parents living room, enjoying the wonder of satellite TV, after Mom and Dad both were gone to bed - modern technology brought me a greeting from someone in my past.
Text: How was my holiday weekend thus far?
I wondered why he chose just then to check in on me. I explained that I had rushed home for a family funeral, and that the big holiday would be spent in the car driving across a state and a half to return.
We exchanged a few more kind and welcome messages. He explained that he had left me a voice mail. Due to the rural nature of my parent's locale, somehow I was getting texts but not phone service. Hmm? I explained that I'd have to check it when service improved.
The next day, I packed up the car and set off for home.
Now my consciousness was flecked with thoughts of this charming man - wondering why he was contacting me and what it might mean. Telling myself it's probably nothing. He's just kind and friendly.
Finally, the voice mail came through - he explained that he was at holiday BBQ and encountered someone who looked so much like me that he felt compelled to reach out to me while still at that party!
Wait. That's interesting.
More wandering thoughts. Efforts to keep such thoughts in check.
No TRS, you are probably destined to be alone. Don't let yourself desire anything. You could just get hurt again.
I thought of my friends who are currently planning their wedding.
How my friend's fiancee once leaned over to share his thoughts with me as she worked in the kitchen one day. He whispered to me, "Isn't she fantastic?"
She was just getting utensils out of a drawer and he was overwhelmed by God's creation of her, and his appreciation of all she has to offer him. Her heart, her soul, her mind and yeah, probably her body too!
Isn't that want we all want? The one man who thinks you are the most amazing creature God created? Who feels so lucky to call you his own.
One of those things that feels impossible. But then you see it in others - so it must be.
Once I was home, he contacted me with some urgency - saying he'd really like to see me before he leaves town for a few weeks - but would understand if I didn't want to.
Of course I wanted to see McTwitchy!
Of course I also had some trepidation. I remembered a conversation we had months ago about him meeting a previous ex for dinner - and it didn't amount to anything, just friends.
Is that all he is up to?
Did he just want to be friends? He could be that guy, but I doubt it.
My thoughts were peppered with cautions. See him but keep your guard up. Hear him out. What could he possibly have to say? Don't even think about kissing him.
We agreed he could pick me up and we'd go get a drink.
I stood outside waiting for him because I wasn't going to let him inside.
He parked his car - which I thought was odd since I was already in the street - he didn't have to park.
His tall, thin frame stepped out of the car and enveloped me. He was draped over me. Wrapping me up as though his body were a quilt. I nearly disappeared.
Once we were at our table, he acknowledged that hearing from him must have seemed as if out of the blue - and that he feared I would have no interest in seeing him.
I said, "No, I wasn't that surprised. I knew I'd hear from you again."
He smiled. "You did?"
"Yes. I thought, he's going to figure out that was a dumb move."
As we talked, the guard I had carefully constructed crumbled down. Within minutes, we were both in comfortable territory.
I remembered how much I like him. But I sat across from him, still wondering what this meeting was all about. I wanted to ask him about his intentions but I couldn't offer such a cliche.
He explained that he had been thinking about me often, then when he saw this woman who resembled me - he knew it was a sign - even if I rejected him outright, he had to get in touch with me. He had to know.
"So she looked just like me?"
"Oh yeah. She was HOT!" he said in a way only he can get away with, assuredly giving me the compliment.
I won't go into excruciating detail - but he missed me. So very much. So convincingly. I am confident of that.
He shared some vulnerability. I was awed.
And I felt - as we talked, as we sat just looking at one another - that the affection I feel for him is returned, at least in kind. Maybe more. Always was.
Is that what it feels like? Is that what the thought, "Isn't she fantastic?" feels like when it is aimed at you and you alone?
I think I know.
We haven't determined if we are going to officially see each other again. But the door is open, and I'm tempted to kick it off it's hinges!
As I sat in my parents living room, enjoying the wonder of satellite TV, after Mom and Dad both were gone to bed - modern technology brought me a greeting from someone in my past.
Text: How was my holiday weekend thus far?
I wondered why he chose just then to check in on me. I explained that I had rushed home for a family funeral, and that the big holiday would be spent in the car driving across a state and a half to return.
We exchanged a few more kind and welcome messages. He explained that he had left me a voice mail. Due to the rural nature of my parent's locale, somehow I was getting texts but not phone service. Hmm? I explained that I'd have to check it when service improved.
The next day, I packed up the car and set off for home.
Now my consciousness was flecked with thoughts of this charming man - wondering why he was contacting me and what it might mean. Telling myself it's probably nothing. He's just kind and friendly.
Finally, the voice mail came through - he explained that he was at holiday BBQ and encountered someone who looked so much like me that he felt compelled to reach out to me while still at that party!
Wait. That's interesting.
More wandering thoughts. Efforts to keep such thoughts in check.
No TRS, you are probably destined to be alone. Don't let yourself desire anything. You could just get hurt again.
I thought of my friends who are currently planning their wedding.
How my friend's fiancee once leaned over to share his thoughts with me as she worked in the kitchen one day. He whispered to me, "Isn't she fantastic?"
She was just getting utensils out of a drawer and he was overwhelmed by God's creation of her, and his appreciation of all she has to offer him. Her heart, her soul, her mind and yeah, probably her body too!
Isn't that want we all want? The one man who thinks you are the most amazing creature God created? Who feels so lucky to call you his own.
One of those things that feels impossible. But then you see it in others - so it must be.
Once I was home, he contacted me with some urgency - saying he'd really like to see me before he leaves town for a few weeks - but would understand if I didn't want to.
Of course I wanted to see McTwitchy!
Of course I also had some trepidation. I remembered a conversation we had months ago about him meeting a previous ex for dinner - and it didn't amount to anything, just friends.
Is that all he is up to?
Did he just want to be friends? He could be that guy, but I doubt it.
My thoughts were peppered with cautions. See him but keep your guard up. Hear him out. What could he possibly have to say? Don't even think about kissing him.
We agreed he could pick me up and we'd go get a drink.
I stood outside waiting for him because I wasn't going to let him inside.
He parked his car - which I thought was odd since I was already in the street - he didn't have to park.
His tall, thin frame stepped out of the car and enveloped me. He was draped over me. Wrapping me up as though his body were a quilt. I nearly disappeared.
Once we were at our table, he acknowledged that hearing from him must have seemed as if out of the blue - and that he feared I would have no interest in seeing him.
I said, "No, I wasn't that surprised. I knew I'd hear from you again."
He smiled. "You did?"
"Yes. I thought, he's going to figure out that was a dumb move."
As we talked, the guard I had carefully constructed crumbled down. Within minutes, we were both in comfortable territory.
I remembered how much I like him. But I sat across from him, still wondering what this meeting was all about. I wanted to ask him about his intentions but I couldn't offer such a cliche.
He explained that he had been thinking about me often, then when he saw this woman who resembled me - he knew it was a sign - even if I rejected him outright, he had to get in touch with me. He had to know.
"So she looked just like me?"
"Oh yeah. She was HOT!" he said in a way only he can get away with, assuredly giving me the compliment.
I won't go into excruciating detail - but he missed me. So very much. So convincingly. I am confident of that.
He shared some vulnerability. I was awed.
And I felt - as we talked, as we sat just looking at one another - that the affection I feel for him is returned, at least in kind. Maybe more. Always was.
Is that what it feels like? Is that what the thought, "Isn't she fantastic?" feels like when it is aimed at you and you alone?
I think I know.
We haven't determined if we are going to officially see each other again. But the door is open, and I'm tempted to kick it off it's hinges!
Saturday, July 10, 2010
A Bright Shining Example
This recent hiatus was brought to you by the death of a dear family member.
We lost my dear, sweet uncle last week.
He and my aunt were married for 54 years and had seven children. They were still very much in love and did everything together - right down to the grocery shopping!
It was a blessing that he died suddenly and without warning.
They were the sort of couple most of us hope to become. Always smiling. Always happy to see you. They prayed the rosary together every single day of their marriage - never missed Mass. They turned to God to teach them how to love, and hoo boy did they reflect God's love!!!
I told my aunt how I was so happy that she had nearly 55 years with the love of her life, and how I wished I could find a love so sweet and solid. That if I got married tomorrow I could only hope for 50 beautiful years together!
In her adorable way she told me, "Well, I keep waiting for an invitation!"
She believes I'll find it. She has hope because she's been there. She's seen love and felt love. She wants that for me.
This all caused me to reflect... that it just seems so impossible.
Thinking about their 50 years together and the 40 years I've spent on this earth alone... well I'm just exhausted. Seriously exhausted.
I have wanted a partner, a teammate for so long.
My existence is less fulfilling to me (to ME! - not saying this is true for all singles) because I have no one to do my best for. To do for. (and yes, once things settle down in my world - on the job front and other craziness , I plan to seek a good volunteer opportunity. I've not had the energy to do that lately.)
I cried on the shoulder of another of my many cousins. All my cousins are married. Their children are married even. While it was good to be around them, it was also hard because I felt so left behind.
So very left behind.
I was a mess.
Now I'm not saying that I only thought of myself during the time meant to mourn my uncle. It's just that when one life ends - you think about how to live your own life best. And I just can't figure it out.
I spent the rest of the week with my parents. Dad suggested that once he's gone, if I'm not married I can just move back and take care of mom. Which I am happy to do of course... but it was a knife in my gut thinking that my dad doesn't expect me to have a life of my own. Ouch.
That I can just leave everything and everyone that I have built around me - as if it doesn't matter.
I stewed in that for a while. That bitter stew.
I was not looking forward to the 10 hour drive back to my world that doesn't matter.
But something lifted me out.
A glimmer of hope. A glimmer that I thought I might be foolish to allow to light the path. It's probably just a whim. Don't trust it. Don't get excited. Proceed with caution...
but I am excited.
more on that later...
We lost my dear, sweet uncle last week.
He and my aunt were married for 54 years and had seven children. They were still very much in love and did everything together - right down to the grocery shopping!
It was a blessing that he died suddenly and without warning.
They were the sort of couple most of us hope to become. Always smiling. Always happy to see you. They prayed the rosary together every single day of their marriage - never missed Mass. They turned to God to teach them how to love, and hoo boy did they reflect God's love!!!
I told my aunt how I was so happy that she had nearly 55 years with the love of her life, and how I wished I could find a love so sweet and solid. That if I got married tomorrow I could only hope for 50 beautiful years together!
In her adorable way she told me, "Well, I keep waiting for an invitation!"
She believes I'll find it. She has hope because she's been there. She's seen love and felt love. She wants that for me.
This all caused me to reflect... that it just seems so impossible.
Thinking about their 50 years together and the 40 years I've spent on this earth alone... well I'm just exhausted. Seriously exhausted.
I have wanted a partner, a teammate for so long.
My existence is less fulfilling to me (to ME! - not saying this is true for all singles) because I have no one to do my best for. To do for. (and yes, once things settle down in my world - on the job front and other craziness , I plan to seek a good volunteer opportunity. I've not had the energy to do that lately.)
I cried on the shoulder of another of my many cousins. All my cousins are married. Their children are married even. While it was good to be around them, it was also hard because I felt so left behind.
So very left behind.
I was a mess.
Now I'm not saying that I only thought of myself during the time meant to mourn my uncle. It's just that when one life ends - you think about how to live your own life best. And I just can't figure it out.
I spent the rest of the week with my parents. Dad suggested that once he's gone, if I'm not married I can just move back and take care of mom. Which I am happy to do of course... but it was a knife in my gut thinking that my dad doesn't expect me to have a life of my own. Ouch.
That I can just leave everything and everyone that I have built around me - as if it doesn't matter.
I stewed in that for a while. That bitter stew.
I was not looking forward to the 10 hour drive back to my world that doesn't matter.
But something lifted me out.
A glimmer of hope. A glimmer that I thought I might be foolish to allow to light the path. It's probably just a whim. Don't trust it. Don't get excited. Proceed with caution...
but I am excited.
more on that later...
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